Starting Over
by tarskeewee
Summary: John McBain arrives back into Llanview after a sabatical and works to make ameds with the woman he loves, but he arrives to find her in the arms of another man forcing him to win her friendship and start over again.
1. Chapter 1

**Starting Over: Seeing Her Again**

by tarskeewee08

(John's POV)

Standing outside of her door everything comes back to me. It's been a year and a half since I last saw her. I remember her standing in the lobby of the courthouse on her cell phone right after the judge announced the release of Christian Vega. She saw me in the shadows and rolled her eyes continuing to talk to into her phone. I wanted to tell her that Natalie knew the truth and I was leaving town to get some help. To deal with my problems, but I couldn't. I couldn't make another promise to her. I couldn't give her false hope.

She paced the courtroom hall in a navy pants suit with her hair flowing around her shoulders. I looked at her glossy lips move as she talked into the phone and smiled at the sound of her soft sound of her voice. She looked up again to see me staring and decided to move further away. I watched her hair sway and let my eyes travel downward enjoying the familiar sashay of her hips. Shaking my head I smiled at her retreating image. "Bye Baby".

That was the last time I saw her and in therapy I talked about that moment quite often. Dr. Ashton said that I wanted her to walk away. It made it easier for me to let her go. That was so true. Each time she walked away from me I felt relieved.

When she broke up with me and walked away I died inside but part of me felt relieved. When she pushed me away after the rescue in the hospital part of me felt relieved. When she turned me away from her door that drunken night I came to confess my soul part of me felt relieved. To face her, would mean to face myself and I wasn't prepared for that.

Now I was in Llanview and as soon as the plane landed I had the driver bring me to her. I called Mikey two days ago to get her new address. She bought a loft downtown in the newly renovated warehouse district near the docks.

I hear laughter inside and my hand freezes. What's going on? She's giggling behind the door and I can't make out the other voice. She's not alone maybe I should come back. But to leave her door is too much like my old m.o. It's too much like running. Instead I suck in my breath and knock. 

(Evangeline's POV)

"Stop Phil or I swear I will throw this!" I say with a hand full of flour.

He'd been chasing and tickling me all day. If he came one more step near me I was going to throw it in his face and he would have baked chicken instead of fried for dinner tonight. But true to form he lunges at me. Laughing loudly I throw the flour and it floats through the air in a powder covering us both. Phil scoops me up by my legs throwing me over her his shoulder and now we both are laughing with me struggling. My ponytail is hanging downward and my face and hands are covered in flour. Pinching his butt hard he squeals and almost drops me.

I leap from his grip and run across the room with him in hot pursuit laughing. Then we hear the knock at the door. Both of us freeze and look at each other. I burst into laughter at his face coated in flour. Hilarious seeing a black man in white face! He looks at the door and I shrug going to it. I have on a grey fitted tank top and grey sweat pants. I know I must be a sight but I don't care. Passing Phil I stick out my tongue at him and he jumps at me like he will give chase so I run the rest of the way to the door. "Who is it?"

Not hearing a response and still giggling at Phil I unlock the door and swing it open.

"Oh my god!" 

(John's POV)

The door opens to her musical laughter and she looks at me wide eyed.

"Oh my god" she says.

I look her up and down and she is more beautiful than ever. Her face and hair with flower in it. Some of it on her collar bone and hands. With the sweats and pony tail she looks like she's 16. She smiles slightly and I smile. Thank god she smiled at me. 

"Who is it Baby?" I hear a male voice. The door pulls open wider and I see Dr. Phil Jamison. We look at each other in shock. He's covered in flour and I know I've interrupted an intimate moment between the two of them.

The ironic thing is I was supposed to continue my therapy with him. By the stunned look of shock on his face I guess that he hasn't received my referral yet.

"Hi Evangeline" I say locking my eyes back on hers.  
"John, Hi….how are you?"  
"Hello John please come in" Dr. Jamison says quickly interrupting us and opening the door wider.

Still looking in her face I resist the urge to touch her. Finally breaking my stare I smile at Jamison and walk inside. "Thank you"

Carrying my suitcase they both look at it as I walk through them and I can tell Evangeline is signaling behind my back. I smirk and keep walking.

(Evangeline's POV)  
I can't believe it's him. I mean I really can't believe he's in front of me. My god. Phil tells him to come in and I hear him but I cant stop looking into those wonderful blue eyes. God how long as it been. He says "Thank you" and I step aside seeing that he has a suitcase. Phil shoots me a look behind his back and I raise my hands signaling I don't know what he wants or why he's here.

He disappeared from all our lives. Mike wouldn't tell me where he went and Natalie now back with her husband never gave any indication of being in contact with him. Now he was here out of nowhere.

"John would you like something to drink?" I ask wiping my flour coated hands on my pants.  
"That would be nice. You have any beer?"   
"Baby get him one of mine!" Phil blurts out quickly both me and John look at him realizing he's trying to send a message. I smile at my man. There's no need for him to be so nervous, but I understand it all the same. Going to the kitchen I hear Phil start his interrogation.

"John, what brings you back?" Phil asks 

Looking up from the refrigerator I see him glance at me. "Unfinished business"  
Phil frowns "Really"  
"So you two are a couple?" John asks directly and I freeze at his bluntness. Looking him up and down I can see something is different about him. He's less darker in someway. Walking back over to him I hand him his beer, he purposefully touches my hand with his fingers and desire shoots through me. I blush and go over to Phil's side. "Yes we're a couple."

John pops the beer and smiles "Good for you Van I'm happy that you're happy."  
"Where have you been John?" I ask curious.  
"New Jersey"  
Phil looks him up and down. "You here to stay?"  
"If I can get my old job back yeah."  
"Where are you staying" I ask slipping my arm around Phil's waist. John looks at my maneuver and smiles slyly. "Got an extra bedroom?" he asks

Phil chokes and I can't help but laugh. John laughs too and Phil looks at us confused, then realizing he's joking he laughs too.

"Seriously I'm staying at The Palace. I just came by to see you so it wouldn't be awkward with me in town."

Phil realizes how crazy he looks and sees that we may want to speak alone so he discreetly excuses himself to the bathroom. John smiles at him leaving and looks back at me. "So you two have some kind of food fight?"

I smile wiping my face "Yeah something like that."

John moves around my place drinking his beer and I watch him. He picks up a picture of me and Phil on our ski trip and looks at it.

"John why are you here?"

(John's POV)

Looking at the picture of her and Phil dressed in ski gear with snow around them my heart bleeds. God she moved on. I wasn't gone that long. Dr. Ashton warned me that this could be the case. But with him? Please she can't have the fire with him that we have. Hearing her ask why I came I swallow and put the picture down. "I wanted to ask you to dinner. There are some things I need to tell you"

She looks toward her bedroom positive that her new lover was listening to them. "Dinner?"  
I smile at her "It's just dinner. We can be friends right. I know you are with Dr. Jamison but I would really like to tell you some things."  
"What if I call you this week and set something up?"  
I shake my head. "I'd like to meet tomorrow. It's important Van."

She frowns at me and I can understand her confusion but I can't wait any longer. I need to say these things and free us both. If she's with another man I can accept it but we need closure.

"Okay…how about 7 at the Palace"  
"That will work." Grabbing the handle to my suitcase I head for the door. She walks over to it and opens it for me.

"Thanks for coming bye John it was real good seeing you again."  
Standing close to her I look into her eyes and I want so bad to touch her. She sees it on my face and steps back putting a little more distance between us and it stings. "See you tomorrow" she says smiling sweetly.

"See you tomorrow. Tell Phil that I will be seeing him as well." I say winking at her and then walking out.

(Evangeline's POV)

He looks at me and I see it again. The old lustful heated stare from so long ago, before it all went terribly wrong. I can't go there. No…I won't go there. Stepping back I try to mask my nervousness with a smile. Saying goodbye he alludes to seeing Phil as well? What does that mean? Closing the door familiar feelings of love and desire beat into my heart again.

Turning I see Phil standing behind me watching me intensely. Jumping I smile at him. "How long you been standing there?"  
"Why did you accept a dinner invitation from your ex without consulting me first?"  
"Phil…please." I say dodging the question trying to walk away. He grabs my arm stopping me.  
"Answer me Van."  
I look into his face and see he's hurt. "He said he had to tell me something, it's innocent."  
"I bet"  
"Phil…you aren't threatened by him are you?"  
"I was here Van, remember the nights you cried wondering what you did to have him trample on your heart and disappear. Remember not allowing me to make love to you for the first eight months of our relationship. Do you remember how he broke your heart?"

"Thanks for reminding me" I say weakly feeling as if he slapped me.

Phil looks at me and his face softens. "Sorry baby" reaching for me he pulls me into his arms and rubs my back. "I don't mean to hurt you. I just don't want you to open yourself up to old pains."

I kiss his face "Don't do that Phil" I say pulling away.  
"Do what love and protect my girlfriend?"  
"Don't analyze me. I'm a big girl and I am no longer in love with John McBain. I will go to dinner to hear him out and come home to you. End of story."  
Phil sighs as I walk into the kitchen. I look back at him and wink "Now what do you want with this chicken?"

Later that night

(John's POV)

Lying on top of my bed fully clothed with both hands behind my head I stare at the ceiling. That visit didn't go as I hoped. She's with Dr. Phil? How in the hell did that happen? Why didn't Mike tell me?

Seeing her again was a breath of fresh air. Claremont was full of stocky short nurses. The woman in the center that were half sane didn't hold a candle to her. Besides I spent every night dreaming of her. When I went home to my mom broken and exhausted she drove me to Claremont and checked me in. I fought her at first but after just one week I found a inner peace I had no idea could exist. I suffered two nervous breakdowns in therapy and had to be medicated after one heart wrenching session but a year and a half later I am back from the dead and I plan to live again.

Sitting up in my dark room I walk over to my window and pull back the drapes. Leaning on the side of the window seal with my arms folded I look at the full moon and see her face. Tomorrow I set us both free. Dr. Ashton said it was necessary for me to move on. I agree. But moving on is not my only person. I want her forgiveness. I want her back.

(Evangeline's POV)

Phil's arm is draped over me and I rub it lovingly. He's my best friend; he saved me from my own self pity and doubt. He gave me a second chance and I'm happy. Then one day while playing and flouring chicken my past blows in and I question my life choices all over again.

Dammit why does he have that affect on me? It's not fair! Where the hell has he been anyway? Leaning over I kiss Phil on the forehead and get out of the bed. He moans softly and rolls over. Walking over to the edge of the bed I put on my robe and walk out the room. Going to the window facing the Walker Street I push it open letting the autumn breeze blow in. Inhaling the stale smell of the city I watch the cars drive by every couple of minutes and I think of my life now. What will it mean to have him back and so close? What did he want to tell me?

I look up at the moon and smile. Whatever the outcome I am not going to be sucked back into his world I have a man that loves me and only me. I will protect my happiness even from John McBain.

This story archived at: The John and Evangeline 


	2. Chapter 2

**Starting Over: Seeing Her Again**

by tarskeewee08

(John's POV)

Standing outside of her door everything comes back to me. It's been a year and a half since I last saw her. I remember her standing in the lobby of the courthouse on her cell phone right after the judge announced the release of Christian Vega. She saw me in the shadows and rolled her eyes continuing to talk to into her phone. I wanted to tell her that Natalie knew the truth and I was leaving town to get some help. To deal with my problems, but I couldn't. I couldn't make another promise to her. I couldn't give her false hope.

She paced the courtroom hall in a navy pants suit with her hair flowing around her shoulders. I looked at her glossy lips move as she talked into the phone and smiled at the sound of her soft sound of her voice. She looked up again to see me staring and decided to move further away. I watched her hair sway and let my eyes travel downward enjoying the familiar sashay of her hips. Shaking my head I smiled at her retreating image. "Bye Baby".

That was the last time I saw her and in therapy I talked about that moment quite often. Dr. Ashton said that I wanted her to walk away. It made it easier for me to let her go. That was so true. Each time she walked away from me I felt relieved.

When she broke up with me and walked away I died inside but part of me felt relieved. When she pushed me away after the rescue in the hospital part of me felt relieved. When she turned me away from her door that drunken night I came to confess my soul part of me felt relieved. To face her, would mean to face myself and I wasn't prepared for that.

Now I was in Llanview and as soon as the plane landed I had the driver bring me to her. I called Mikey two days ago to get her new address. She bought a loft downtown in the newly renovated warehouse district near the docks.

I hear laughter inside and my hand freezes. What's going on? She's giggling behind the door and I can't make out the other voice. She's not alone maybe I should come back. But to leave her door is too much like my old m.o. It's too much like running. Instead I suck in my breath and knock. 

(Evangeline's POV)

"Stop Phil or I swear I will throw this!" I say with a hand full of flour.

He'd been chasing and tickling me all day. If he came one more step near me I was going to throw it in his face and he would have baked chicken instead of fried for dinner tonight. But true to form he lunges at me. Laughing loudly I throw the flour and it floats through the air in a powder covering us both. Phil scoops me up by my legs throwing me over her his shoulder and now we both are laughing with me struggling. My ponytail is hanging downward and my face and hands are covered in flour. Pinching his butt hard he squeals and almost drops me.

I leap from his grip and run across the room with him in hot pursuit laughing. Then we hear the knock at the door. Both of us freeze and look at each other. I burst into laughter at his face coated in flour. Hilarious seeing a black man in white face! He looks at the door and I shrug going to it. I have on a grey fitted tank top and grey sweat pants. I know I must be a sight but I don't care. Passing Phil I stick out my tongue at him and he jumps at me like he will give chase so I run the rest of the way to the door. "Who is it?"

Not hearing a response and still giggling at Phil I unlock the door and swing it open.

"Oh my god!" 

(John's POV)

The door opens to her musical laughter and she looks at me wide eyed.

"Oh my god" she says.

I look her up and down and she is more beautiful than ever. Her face and hair with flower in it. Some of it on her collar bone and hands. With the sweats and pony tail she looks like she's 16. She smiles slightly and I smile. Thank god she smiled at me. 

"Who is it Baby?" I hear a male voice. The door pulls open wider and I see Dr. Phil Jamison. We look at each other in shock. He's covered in flour and I know I've interrupted an intimate moment between the two of them.

The ironic thing is I was supposed to continue my therapy with him. By the stunned look of shock on his face I guess that he hasn't received my referral yet.

"Hi Evangeline" I say locking my eyes back on hers.  
"John, Hi….how are you?"  
"Hello John please come in" Dr. Jamison says quickly interrupting us and opening the door wider.

Still looking in her face I resist the urge to touch her. Finally breaking my stare I smile at Jamison and walk inside. "Thank you"

Carrying my suitcase they both look at it as I walk through them and I can tell Evangeline is signaling behind my back. I smirk and keep walking.

(Evangeline's POV)  
I can't believe it's him. I mean I really can't believe he's in front of me. My god. Phil tells him to come in and I hear him but I cant stop looking into those wonderful blue eyes. God how long as it been. He says "Thank you" and I step aside seeing that he has a suitcase. Phil shoots me a look behind his back and I raise my hands signaling I don't know what he wants or why he's here.

He disappeared from all our lives. Mike wouldn't tell me where he went and Natalie now back with her husband never gave any indication of being in contact with him. Now he was here out of nowhere.

"John would you like something to drink?" I ask wiping my flour coated hands on my pants.  
"That would be nice. You have any beer?"   
"Baby get him one of mine!" Phil blurts out quickly both me and John look at him realizing he's trying to send a message. I smile at my man. There's no need for him to be so nervous, but I understand it all the same. Going to the kitchen I hear Phil start his interrogation.

"John, what brings you back?" Phil asks 

Looking up from the refrigerator I see him glance at me. "Unfinished business"  
Phil frowns "Really"  
"So you two are a couple?" John asks directly and I freeze at his bluntness. Looking him up and down I can see something is different about him. He's less darker in someway. Walking back over to him I hand him his beer, he purposefully touches my hand with his fingers and desire shoots through me. I blush and go over to Phil's side. "Yes we're a couple."

John pops the beer and smiles "Good for you Van I'm happy that you're happy."  
"Where have you been John?" I ask curious.  
"New Jersey"  
Phil looks him up and down. "You here to stay?"  
"If I can get my old job back yeah."  
"Where are you staying" I ask slipping my arm around Phil's waist. John looks at my maneuver and smiles slyly. "Got an extra bedroom?" he asks

Phil chokes and I can't help but laugh. John laughs too and Phil looks at us confused, then realizing he's joking he laughs too.

"Seriously I'm staying at The Palace. I just came by to see you so it wouldn't be awkward with me in town."

Phil realizes how crazy he looks and sees that we may want to speak alone so he discreetly excuses himself to the bathroom. John smiles at him leaving and looks back at me. "So you two have some kind of food fight?"

I smile wiping my face "Yeah something like that."

John moves around my place drinking his beer and I watch him. He picks up a picture of me and Phil on our ski trip and looks at it.

"John why are you here?"

(John's POV)

Looking at the picture of her and Phil dressed in ski gear with snow around them my heart bleeds. God she moved on. I wasn't gone that long. Dr. Ashton warned me that this could be the case. But with him? Please she can't have the fire with him that we have. Hearing her ask why I came I swallow and put the picture down. "I wanted to ask you to dinner. There are some things I need to tell you"

She looks toward her bedroom positive that her new lover was listening to them. "Dinner?"  
I smile at her "It's just dinner. We can be friends right. I know you are with Dr. Jamison but I would really like to tell you some things."  
"What if I call you this week and set something up?"  
I shake my head. "I'd like to meet tomorrow. It's important Van."

She frowns at me and I can understand her confusion but I can't wait any longer. I need to say these things and free us both. If she's with another man I can accept it but we need closure.

"Okay…how about 7 at the Palace"  
"That will work." Grabbing the handle to my suitcase I head for the door. She walks over to it and opens it for me.

"Thanks for coming bye John it was real good seeing you again."  
Standing close to her I look into her eyes and I want so bad to touch her. She sees it on my face and steps back putting a little more distance between us and it stings. "See you tomorrow" she says smiling sweetly.

"See you tomorrow. Tell Phil that I will be seeing him as well." I say winking at her and then walking out.

(Evangeline's POV)

He looks at me and I see it again. The old lustful heated stare from so long ago, before it all went terribly wrong. I can't go there. No…I won't go there. Stepping back I try to mask my nervousness with a smile. Saying goodbye he alludes to seeing Phil as well? What does that mean? Closing the door familiar feelings of love and desire beat into my heart again.

Turning I see Phil standing behind me watching me intensely. Jumping I smile at him. "How long you been standing there?"  
"Why did you accept a dinner invitation from your ex without consulting me first?"  
"Phil…please." I say dodging the question trying to walk away. He grabs my arm stopping me.  
"Answer me Van."  
I look into his face and see he's hurt. "He said he had to tell me something, it's innocent."  
"I bet"  
"Phil…you aren't threatened by him are you?"  
"I was here Van, remember the nights you cried wondering what you did to have him trample on your heart and disappear. Remember not allowing me to make love to you for the first eight months of our relationship. Do you remember how he broke your heart?"

"Thanks for reminding me" I say weakly feeling as if he slapped me.

Phil looks at me and his face softens. "Sorry baby" reaching for me he pulls me into his arms and rubs my back. "I don't mean to hurt you. I just don't want you to open yourself up to old pains."

I kiss his face "Don't do that Phil" I say pulling away.  
"Do what love and protect my girlfriend?"  
"Don't analyze me. I'm a big girl and I am no longer in love with John McBain. I will go to dinner to hear him out and come home to you. End of story."  
Phil sighs as I walk into the kitchen. I look back at him and wink "Now what do you want with this chicken?"

Later that night

(John's POV)

Lying on top of my bed fully clothed with both hands behind my head I stare at the ceiling. That visit didn't go as I hoped. She's with Dr. Phil? How in the hell did that happen? Why didn't Mike tell me?

Seeing her again was a breath of fresh air. Claremont was full of stocky short nurses. The woman in the center that were half sane didn't hold a candle to her. Besides I spent every night dreaming of her. When I went home to my mom broken and exhausted she drove me to Claremont and checked me in. I fought her at first but after just one week I found a inner peace I had no idea could exist. I suffered two nervous breakdowns in therapy and had to be medicated after one heart wrenching session but a year and a half later I am back from the dead and I plan to live again.

Sitting up in my dark room I walk over to my window and pull back the drapes. Leaning on the side of the window seal with my arms folded I look at the full moon and see her face. Tomorrow I set us both free. Dr. Ashton said it was necessary for me to move on. I agree. But moving on is not my only person. I want her forgiveness. I want her back.

(Evangeline's POV)

Phil's arm is draped over me and I rub it lovingly. He's my best friend; he saved me from my own self pity and doubt. He gave me a second chance and I'm happy. Then one day while playing and flouring chicken my past blows in and I question my life choices all over again.

Dammit why does he have that affect on me? It's not fair! Where the hell has he been anyway? Leaning over I kiss Phil on the forehead and get out of the bed. He moans softly and rolls over. Walking over to the edge of the bed I put on my robe and walk out the room. Going to the window facing the Walker Street I push it open letting the autumn breeze blow in. Inhaling the stale smell of the city I watch the cars drive by every couple of minutes and I think of my life now. What will it mean to have him back and so close? What did he want to tell me?

I look up at the moon and smile. Whatever the outcome I am not going to be sucked back into his world I have a man that loves me and only me. I will protect my happiness even from John McBain.

This story archived at: The John and Evangeline 


	3. Chapter 3

**Starting Over: The Truth**

by tarskeewee08

(Evangeline's POV)

Walking into The Palace I scan the dining room for him. Pulling up my sleeve and checking my watch I see that I'm 10 minutes late. He should already be here.

"Looking for me?" 

Turning around surprised he's standing behind me with an amused look on his face. "Hey John"

He smiles and raises his arm "After you…" he says pointing toward the dinning room.   
I swallow my nervousness and walk ahead of him hoping I don't trip over myself. I don't know why he has me reacting this way. I figure it's mainly due to what he said on the phone. He wanted to give me answers. I could handle him making a play for me, because my heart and commitments lie with Phil. But I never anticipated answers. 

The hostess directs us to our table and John steps ahead of me pulling out my chair. Undoing my suit jacket I sit down and exhale. I can do this. No matter what he says tonight I can do this. 

"You look lovely as always Evangeline."  
"Thank you John" I say flattered. I didn't have time to change so the suit I wore in court today was my evening attire.

The waitress comes over and John does our drink orders. He smiles at me and picks up the menu. Doing the same thing I peek over my menu at him curious as to what he has to say. Curious if he's as nervous as I am. He isn't. He takes his time without breaking a sweat. I frown at his cool demeanor. Looking back at my menu I scan it telling myself to relax.

"I think you should order the sol for old time sake."  
I lower the menu confused. "What?"  
"Remember the day I attached strings we were here and you ordered the sol"   
"Strings?" I can't believe he brought that up. I told him I didn't want to stroll down memory lane. Is that what he had planned all along? Seeing my irritation he laughs lightly. "Relax Evangeline….its not like that. I want you to relax with me. I have no ulterior motive."

Before I can respond the waitress returns with our drinks and John proceeds to order the fish for me and a steak for himself. I hand the waitress my menu confused at his confidence. He's wearing a navy suit and white shirt. His hair is groomed and shorter than I remembered him wearing it combed away from his face. He looks at me with his clear blue eyes and they show no shadows or self doubt. I was right he had changed.

Picking up my drink I gulp it down. He laughs again. "Nervous?"  
"No of course not….just thirsty."  
He smiles and drinks his whiskey. Lowering his glass he stares at me again and I don't know what to say. Is he waiting on me to say something?

"I want to start by telling you where I've been" he said staring me in the eye.  
"New Jersey right?"  
"Have you ever heard of Claremont in Newburgh?" he asked  
"No.."  
"It's a mental institution."

"A what!" Now I wish I hadn't gulped down my drink. The floor just fell out from under me. I look at him in complete and utter shock and he smiles sweetly at me. 

"Are you okay?" Is all I can muster and that in itself makes me sound like an ass.

He nods lightly staring me in the eye. "I am now."  
"Why John?"  
Now he laughs the deep smoky laugh of his and its infectious "Do you really have to ask?"

I can't believe he's making so light of it. A mental ward was a definite no-no for him. He couldn't have done this on his own. My god what happened to him. He sees the alarm on my face and stops his kidding. Reaching across the table he touches my hand lightly. "I'm fine Van, I checked myself in. It was voluntary."

"It was?"  
"After Christian was released and the truth was exposed I was exposed. I had lost you and the respect of my peers. I had to face my own demons. Going back home I tried hard Van to do it on my own. But it wasn't long before I knew that I needed professional help. My mom got me the help I needed."

"John that was almost two years ago…." I say in disbelief.  
"I know and I was there the entire time."  
"My god" I say rubbing his hand. It's all so remarkable. No wonder he's different.  
"I had two nervous breakdowns and went through a serious depression, but I emerged alive and renewed."  
"Nervous Breakdowns?"  
"Do we have an echo?" he says laughing again.

I laugh too and try to close my mouth that keeps falling open. "Sorry but this is all so unbelievable. This is why you wanted to see me? To tell me why you left and what happened to you?"

He pulls his hand away and his smile fades. "No, I wanted to give you answers. I wanted to have the conversation with you that I should have had when I brought you here that day and attached strings."

I look into his eyes and I'm trapped by the poetic way he's speaking to me. It's more honest and direct than he's ever been. This is more than I expected and to be honest I'm not sure I can handle it.

The waitress appears with our food and I look at the fish on my plate. My stomach churns and I have no appetite. He sees my hesitation and tells the waitress to bring me another martini. Looking up at him I see that he's trying to get me into my comfort zone with him. I'm grateful for that. I don't think I'm in love with him but I know I love him. I want to hear that he's happy and whole. I want to hear his story. 

Cutting into his steak he asks me about my job and I sigh that we can change the subject for a moment. The anticipating of his _true confessions_ has me on the edge of my seat. Telling him about my case load he tells me that I was born to be a defense attorney. He always kidded me about my profession.

"What's this thing you have with lawyers John?" I laugh eating my fish.  
"Hey I love lawyers…they make the best bedfellows." he says winking

I almost choke on my fish and we both can't stop laughing. Drinking my now third martini I'm much more relaxed. He pushes his plate away from him and looks me into my eyes.

"When I was nine years old Evangeline I saw my father murdered."

My hand freezes and I stare at him shocked. Dropping my fork I'm speechless.  
He smiles softly and sits back in his chair. "I shadowed my dad a lot. Our neighborhood was pretty close and I knew most of his rounds. Following him one day I watched from the roof while he did a raid on a neighboring building I'd seen him do it several times. It all appeared to be routine. I saw my dad load them all up in the patty wagon and him and his buddies give each other celebratory hugs. It was just another day in catching the bad guys." 

Listening to him his voice pierces my heart. He never drops his stare and I can see the pain in his eyes from recalling his dad's death. But I saw strength in him that I didn't know. Something solid and peaceful making him determined to deal with death and grief with some perspective. It's really endearing.

"When the patty wagon pulled away I made my way off the roof. I planned to bring it on home and slip away unseen like I always did. Coming out the back on the building I hear my dad's voice and I stopped confused. I thought he was gone….."

_  
"O'Reilly, I think he's gone around the back of the building. Cover me!" Officer McBain hollered over his shoulder running in the direction the perp went hoping his partner heard him._

John ducks behind the garbage cans as he hears the sound of feet running his way. 

"Stop or I'll shoot!" Officer McBain screams.

The man stops right beside the garbage can and John tries to disappear in his hiding space. If his dad found him he would be in big trouble. Scooting further back the man holding his hands up looks at him and John's heart stops. The man smirks at him.

"Do you hear me! Toss me your gun!" Officer McBain shouts with both hands on his gun advancing down the alley toward his perp. But the man in one swoop grabs John's foot and drags him into view.

John screams and his dad stops lowering his gun confused by the change in events. The entire scene unfolds within minutes. The man pulls John up and raises his gun. John crying looks at his father whose face is contorted in pain and shock.

"Drop your fucking gun cop or I will kill this kid." then man growls with the gun to John's head.

Officer McBain drops his gun immediately "It's okay man, just let the kid go."  
"Daddy I am so sorry" John says crying openly.  
The man frowns looking at John then at the cop.   
Officer McBain shakes his head "Johnny just be still son, it will be okay"

"Son?" the man laughs "You got to be fucking kidding me!"

Before Officer McBain can respond his partner runs into the alley. The man raises the gun and opens fire on them both. John screams seeing his dad's chest explode with gunfire as his partner behind him gets shot in the head. The man pushes John to the ground and turns and runs out of the alley.

John runs to his dad who's gurgling and choking on his blood screaming.

I look at him and shake my head in sorrow. "John I am so sorry."   
"It's okay Van. I wanted you to know what haunted me. At nine I interrupted that horrible event to be my fault. If I wasn't in that alley my dad could be alive today."

Picking up my fourth martini I drink it down and fight the urge to rise up and take him in my arms.  
"I think you should slow down on those." He says chuckling.  
I lower my glass smiling. "I guess you're right. I can understand why that haunts you John, it's too much for a child to bare."

"It doesn't haunt me anymore. It saddens me deeply. I mourn him everyday. But the ghost and images of his death no longer keep me up at night."

I smile at him. "Good"

"I have more to say Van"

He looks at me and I try to straighten in my seat. My god why did I drink four martinis? "Okay" I say feeling numb and extremely guilty for the horrible things I thought over the years in regards to him and his _demons_. I knew that he had issues with his father's death, but if he'd told me this years ago it would have explained so much. 

"What happened to the man that killed your father?" I ask   
"He went on to kill several other police officers and escaped. My father's death remained unsolved."

He continues to stare at me and I know he has more to say. Looking into his eyes I brace myself for what's to come.

"I met Caitlyn and she was the first woman that I was able to really be myself with. She saw the pain in me and like you she demanded that I face it. I fought her Van every step of the way. I didn't want to let go of my guilt it connected me to my dad. It gave me a sense of purpose. It was why I joined the FBI."

"Did you share this with Caitlyn?"

"Like I said I fought it at first but eventually her love for me got through. She told me love was our protection and I began to live again. I loved her and told her constantly. When Haver came in our lives I never considered that her loving me would cost her hers. When she was shot to death in front of me I interpreted her death to be confirmation that the people I love I destroy and Van it destroyed my chance at a healthy life."

"I thought that may be the case. I figured that's why you were never able to give yourself to me" I said signaling the waitress. John watched me order another martini and raised and eyebrow. "Are you okay?"

To be honest I wasn't. I was emotionally drained from this conversation and it seemed like it was only the beginning. "I'm fine."

He smiled. "I spent years tracking down the monsters that rip and destroy lives to atone for the murders of my father and future bride. Then I arrived into town for that sting…."

I roll my eyes "And you met Natalie."  
He smiles "Yep I meet Natalie."  
"Well no need to go any further than that, when her husband died you figured it was once again your fault…."

"Evangeline…let me do this. I need to do it just as much for you as for me."

Feeling bad at my callous comment. I accept the drink from the waitress and sip it to silence myself.

"Well, you are right. Natalie was something tangible, a person that made me larger than life. She made me a hero. I could finally fix it, by helping her."

"Then why start anything with me. Why not just be with Natalie and ride off into the sunset!" I snap hating myself for saying it so abruptly, but the liquor makes my resistance low. Natalie was something I didn't want to get into. I didn't want to hear him tell of his undying loyalty to the woman he broke my heart over.

He sees my anger and rubs his jaw. I know when he does that he's choosing his words carefully and I roll my eyes at him again. "That's easy Van, I fell in love."

Blinking I spill my drink trying to put it on the table. He reaches immediately handing me his napkin. Embarrassed I wipe the table and at the small stain in my pants leg. He remains silent and I take longer with the wipe up to avoid his eyes.

"Did you hear me?"  
"John let's not do this…"  
"Let me finish please"

I look back into his eyes. "What the hell does that mean you fell in love! You never fell in love! I was there remember!" I hiss and now I don't give a shit. It's not the liquor it's me. He doesn't have the right to rip at my heart again. Even though it doesn't matter to me. I mean I love Phil so I don't care. He can say whatever he wants I don't care.

Feeling my heart pounding in the chest I swallow the lie I'm feeding myself to avoid the truth sitting across the table from me.

He smiles sweetly at my tirade "You scared the shit out of me Van. Do you know that?"  
Now I'm stunned again into silence "What?" I stammer.

"Never met a woman like you, confident, self sufficient, sexy, honest, sweet, caring, a seductress like no other…its hard being in the same room with you and not fall under your spell. You scared the shit out me."

"Whatever"  
"I used Natalie and I'm not proud of it. She was my excuse to stay locked in my own self hate. The more you loved me the more I felt I didn't deserve it. The more I believed my own lies. I welcomed her little sabotage attempts and lead her on, not understanding how I was self destructing."

"I knew it!" I snap again hitting my hand on the table. "You bastard! So you purposefully trampled my heart to have her!" My head is spinning the martini's are making me paranoid and I hear myself but I don't understand myself.

He shakes his head. "No baby….I did it drive you away. I knew you would tire of it and I wanted you to leave me because I was too blind to see how much we belonged together."

"Whatever…" I say grabbing the martini glass that has still half of my drink inside before the spill earlier. Drinking it I feel myself go numb even more. He's tearing at the scabs on my heart.

He reaches across the table and takes my drink from me. "Listen to me. When you were kidnapped it almost killed me. I made a deal with god that I would let you go if he let you live. But that deal ate away at me Van seeing you walk around town thinking I saved you last on purpose and not being able to tell you my heart was like a cancer. I was a dying a man baby. When we found Natalie I ran to her to hide. With her I was numb to it all and I didn't have to face you. But it didn't work. I thought about you constantly. When she touched me I wished it was you. I would lie in bed every night and dream of times past. The things we did and shared…."

"Enough! I don't want to hear anymore!" I say grabbing my purse.  
"I'm not finished!"   
"Yes you are!" I shout so loud several tables look at us. My head is fuzzy from the drinks but dammit I know I can't do this anymore. I'm going home to my man to something real.

"John, I am glad you are better. I'm glad that you've healed what kept you in pain for so long but I will not rehash that with you. I accept your apology or whatever you are trying to accomplish here now I'm leaving…." I slur standing up and weaving.

He gets up and comes over to me. I feel his arm slip around my waist and I burst into tears. The liquor has a hold on me and I can't control it. "Let me go!" I say crying.

"Let me see you home…"

"NO!" I say pushing at him and falling to the left trying to escape. He grabs me before I make a complete ass of myself and I can't stop crying. "You bastard you have no right!" I stutter my nose running from my cries.

He holds me close as the room starts to spin. I feel him moving but my feet seem to drag and I can't stop crying. Why am I crying? I mean I don't care what he says, it makes no difference. This is all ancient history. Phil is my future. My head feels really heavy and I have a hard time lifting it. I hear a ding and I think we're in a elevator. "Noooo…" I moan but my tongue is thick in my mouth and when I try to speak my words breakup incoherently.

My head is spinning and I shake it. I only had 5 martinis or maybe 6 martinis, whatever the case I can handle myself. He pushes me on the door and I focus my eyes on him using some kind of card to open it. The door opens and we enter a cool dark room. I feel my feet leave the ground and I know he is carrying me I smile at being in his arms again…oh it feels so good. Raising my arms I grab his neck and pull him to me and his tongue comes in quickly…..mmmmmmm….he tastes like I remember, but he snatches away saying something. I laugh and my eyes grow heavy. He's back my baby is back.

"I love you…." I moan turning over. "I love you John…."

The next morning

Jesus my head hurts! Opening my eyes I feel like someone has hit me over the head with a sledgehammer. Everything's blurry. Slowly rising I see that I'm fully dressed and my hair is wild over my head. Smacking my lips I taste vodka in my mouth and want to vomit. Looking across the room I see John sitting in a chair watching me and he's dressed in the same clothes from yesterday. "What happened?"

"You had too much to drink"  
I move my hand through my hair and trying to recall last night. We were talking and then and then…. I can't remember. I look down at my clothes and see that they haven't been removed. I'm still wearing my shoes. He smiles. "I didn't touch you. Didn't trust myself to undress you so I stayed away." He said chuckling.

"Oh god John did I stay the night?" I say raising the sleeve to my suit jacket and checking my watch. It's 7 am.

"Yeah you did."

I immediately think of Phil, he's going to be so hurt. Throwing my feet over the edge of the bed I feel a sharp pain cut through my head like a knife. Gagging I jump up and run to the bathroom and vomit. When I am done I flush the toilet and rinse my mouth. Coming back into the room I see John staring at me. "I'm so embarrassed. Did anything happen?" I ask afraid of his answer.

"No baby nothing happened. You blacked out before we even got into the room."

I smile relieved. Going to the dresser in his room I get my purse. "I am so sorry for last night. I shouldn't have drank like that. I appreciate you sharing with me John. I do." I turn to leave hoping he lets me.

"Evangeline"

Stopping I close my eyes not turning around to face to him. "Yes"

"The final thing I tried to say last night is that I love you and am in love with you just as much today as I was the day I left. But you are with someone else and I get that. I just wanted you to know."

My stomach flips and I don't know if it's the liquor or the confession. "I hope we can be friends…" I say sounding lame but I don't know what else to say.

I hear him laugh behind me and it makes me angry. I turn around. "I love Phil. Friendship is all you will ever have with me. My heart belongs to him now."

He fixes his blue eyes on and the sexy smirk on his face makes me melt. "Okay baby…Friendship is fine with me."

I try to seem confident. "Well see you around…" I say and turn fleeing his room. Closing his door I fall back against it and start to breathe again. Help me god. I open my purse and see I have 15 missed calls from Phil. "Oh god…Phil" throwing the phone in my purse I run to the elevator.


	4. Chapter 4

**Starting Over: Where were you?**

by tarskeewee08

(John's POV)

Hearing her slam out of the door I sigh. Watching her sleep all-night was heavenly. When she kissed me I wanted her so bad I almost gave into to tasting her again. Then she said something that made it all worth it. She told me she loved me. I can hear her now.

"I love you…." she moaned turning over. "I love you John…."

I could have told her what she said but I thought better of it. I would do it right this time. I wanted her and she will come to me willingly. Rising from my chair I look at the bed she slept in and smile. She was so close I could feel it. "You will be mine again Evangeline. I can be patient" Smiling I go to the bathroom to take a shower. Today had already started on a good note for me.

(Evangeline's POV)

"Oh god" I moan fumbling with my keys to get inside. The door flings open before I can turn the knob and Phil is standing there glaring at me and I want to die.

"Where the hell were you!" he hisses.  
"I can explain…" I say pushing pass him. Hearing him slam the door I jump. He has every right to be angry. I'm so damn stupid. Turning to face him I see him looking me up and down. My hair is tangled and makeup smeared. My suit is wrinkled and he could tell I slept in it. 

"Evangeline, please don't tell me you slept with him." he says his face contorted in pain.  
"Oh god baby no…Absolutely not!" I say dropping my purse and going to him. I touch his face tenderly and look into his eyes welled with tears.

"I had too much to drink and passed out. He let me sleep it off in his bed. That's all. Nothing happened. I slept in my clothes…"

"Drunk?" He asked shocked.  
"Phil…I shouldn't have drank, this is my fault."  
"Why would you get drunk with him?"  
"It was stupid on my part. I just had too many drinks during dinner. Please say you understand. I would never betray what we have. I love you" I say pleadingly. God please say he understands.

"You let me sit here all night and wonder where you were. And the entire time you were drinking and partying with your ex?"  
"Phil…"  
"No Van dammit! I have been there for you. I deserve respect! This hurts dammit!"  
"I'm sorry….Phil please…" I say crying now. God I never meant to hurt him.  
"Van you have to know what he's doing. He's trying to drive us apart."

I look at him and frown wiping away my tears. This was my fault, John wasn't trying to sabotage us. He was a perfect gentlemen. "This isn't his fault…"

"Don't defend him!" he yells

I look at him shocked. I have never in the year we've been together heard him raise his voice. I see his eyes blazing with anger. "Phil…you will have to trust me."

"I trust you….I don't trust him. He all but told me that he wanted you back!"  
"He what?"  
"That's right he came to get a psyche review and he admitted to wanting you back!"  
"Well it doesn't matter I don't want him back. I want you…please Phil baby you have to believe me!"

He smiles weakly "I believe you" he says and pulls me into his arms. I hug him and feel a great sense of relief wash over me. I would never hurt him. I love him. He rubs my back as I think about what John said before I left him. God why now? I was happy really happy and now this.

"Evangeline I don't want you to see him again."  
"Phil don't do this…"  
"I mean it, last night hurt and I can't be with you if I am wondering at every turn if he will take you from me. I need you to respect my wishes."

My heart aches for him but I could never agree to anything like this. "Phil…I could never be with a man that doesn't trust me." I say pushing away from him.

"I trust you"  
"No…you don't. I love you Phil, but you will never tell me who and when I can see people that I care about."  
"So you have feelings for him!"  
"You're the damn shrink, figure it out!"  
"Are you in love with him?" he says and I see him brace for my answer.  
"No, but I do love him. I'm in love with you only you."

He looks at me for a long moment and I hope that he hears what I'm saying. I hope he understands that we only have a chance if he trusts me. He walks back over to me and touches my face and I relax at his touch. "Okay Van, I will trust you to handle John. I am trusting you with my heart you know that"

I smile at him and kiss him lightly on the lips "I'm trusting you with mine too baby."

He holds me close and smiles "You are remarkable do you know that?"

"I do now" I say putting my arms around his neck. He leans in and kisses me in the tender way he always does and I welcome the comfort that being in his arms always brings. I would never purposefully hurt him. What happened with John was a mistake. It was no one fault but my own and I will make sure I am not that careless with his feelings again.

Phil lets go of me. "You need to get ready for work. I was on my way into the office."

I watch him walk around gathering his things. I know he's still hurt and I will have to make it up to him. "Hey how about I cook a special dinner for you and wear that little piece of lingerie you bought for me when we went to Jamaica"

He looks up blushing. "The red one?"  
I wink at him "The red one"  
His smile widens "You sure know how to make things up to a fellow."

"I know how to make things up to my fellow" I say confidently. He nods and grabs his briefcase heading for the door. "See you tonight."

"Have a good day" I say watching him walk out of it. Sighing I unbutton my suit jacket and slide it down my shoulders. Walking toward my room when the phone rings. Stopping I look toward the kitchen at my ringing phone and frown. Throwing my jacket onto the sofa I walk over and answer it.

"Hello.."  
"Van its John."  
"John hey…"  
"Did I catch you at a bad time?"  
"Well actually I was getting ready for work.."  
"Is everything okay with you and Phil?"  
"Of course why would you ask that!" I snap defensively  
"Sorry, just wanted to check up on you."  
"I'm sorry….everything is fine. Was there something you needed?"  
"As a matter of fact there is. I'm going to be continuing my therapy here in Llanview. Your boyfriend won't be my doctor for obvious reasons and my sessions will be at St. Anne's. It's the last leg of my therapy and I think it's the most important part."

Sighing into the phone I look at my watch and see how far behind I am. "John, I'm sorry but what does this have to do with me?"

"The last part of my sessions include you."  
Did I hear him right? Breathing hard I find my voice "Me? Why me?"  
He laughs lightly in the phone. "We didn't get a chance to finish talking last night. I need a partner, someone to sit in with my sessions. That person is referred to as a safety net."

I lean against the counter stunned. "A safety net?"

"Yes, I've crossed many hills and deep valleys along the path of self discovery, but I have a final journey to mend what's wrong with me. I need a friend to do it. You told me friendship is all I would ever have with you. I'm holding you too it. Face it Van I don't have many people I can ask."

I still find myself unable to respond. "John…"  
"Discuss it with Phil….he's seen my case he knows the role you will play. It's not my intent to disrupt your life sweetie. I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important."  
"Okay…I will talk to Phil"  
"Thank you….I'll wait to hear back from you."  
"Bye"  
"Bye"

Hanging up the phone I look across my loft to the picture that I took with Phil on our ski trip. Therapy? Me and John together in therapy? How on earth can I get Phil to co-sign on that?

Rising from the counter I walk toward my bedroom to change. I didn't know how in that moment I would address this with Phil but I did know that I would help John. He was right we are friends.

(John's POV)

Getting ready to leave my hotel room to find out who my new therapist will be at St. Anne's I open my door to find Dr. Jamison standing there. He glares at me and I smile inwardly at his anger.

"Dr. Jamison…"  
"We need to talk.." he says barging in.  
I close my door and look at him confused. "Okay"  
"I know what you're doing and I won't tolerate it!"  
I fold my arms and leans against the door. "Really, exactly what am I doing?"  
"You're trying to drive me and Evangeline apart. I won't work John, we're in love!"  
"Good for you….but if you are so in love why are you here"

Jamison sneered. "Because I don't appreciate a man trying to get my girlfriend drunk in order to spend the night with her!"

"Is that what Evangeline told you?"  
Jamison sucks his teeth. "She didn't have to I see through you!"

I laugh. "Listen Phil, last night was accident. She had too many drinks and I let her sleep it off."

"You could have called her a cab or drove her home. Why didn't you? I'll tell you why because you were looking for an opportunity to mess with her head. You're trying to insert yourself into a heart again and I think that is pretty damn selfish of you!"

"Well I don't give a damn what you think! I am trying to be mindful of your feelings for her but I can tell you honestly I don't care! Evangeline is a strong and intelligent woman. Neither you nor I can control her"

Jamison glares at me. He hates me for breaking her heart. He also hates me for having the history with her that keeps her connected to me somehow. "Just stay away from her!"

"Sorry I can't do tha."  
"Can't or won't"  
"Both"  
"Then you will have to go through me. Watch your back John. I won't let you waltz into our lives and destroy something that is good and honest with your poison."

I open the door for him to step out. "This discussion is over. Evangeline is the only one that can ask me to stay away Phil and we both know she won't do that"

Jamison shakes his head and rolls his eyes before storming out.


	5. Chapter 5

**Starting Over: Mending Fences**

by tarskeewee08

(Evangeline's POV)

Standing outside of Phil's office I suck in my breath and knock.  
"Come in…"  
Walking into his office I see him going over his file. He looks up at me and smiles sweetly. "Hey…"

He sits there in his white doctor coat behind a oak wood desk covered in papers and files with several degrees framed and hanging on the walls showing how masterful he is at his profession. It's his commitment to his profession that I hold onto for what I am about to ask.

I smile at him and walk in "Did I catch you at a bad time?"

"Of course not Van, this is a welcomed break." he said closing the folder.

Sighing I took my purse from my shoulder and sat down on the couch in his office. I watched him get up and come over to the couch and sit next to me. He leaned over and gave me a sweet kiss. I touched his freshly shaven face and accepted the kiss enjoying the closeness and comfort his love gives me.

"So why are you here during the middle of the day?" he asked breathing hard. I see his desire for me in his eyes and smile. He puts his hand on my knee and slide it slowly up my skirt then leans in and starts to kiss me on the inside of my neck.

I close my eyes and moan under his touch"Phil if you are going to do this you need to lock your door." 

He stops his advancements and kiss me on the cheek. "Sorry baby just missed you so much. How about we call it a day earlier and start that makeup session early today."

Fixing my skirt I laugh "I would love to but I have an appointment this afternoon."  
"Oh" he says smiling. "So what brings you by?"

I swallow hard and try to figure out a way to respond. "Well I have something I need to discuss with you."

"Okay..."

Looking across his office to the files piled on his desk I rise and walk to them. Pointing at them I turn around and look at him "Did you get John's folder on his therapy?"  
Phil frowns at me and sits up. "Yeah I did, he needed a referral and review to get back with the LPD. I sent him to St. Anne's for both for obvious reasons"

Folding my arms I smile "Did you read about his last stage of therapy and what it would encompasses."

Phil narrows his eyes on me. "Van what are you leading too? You know I can't discuss a patient and his treatment."

"Phil...John has asked me to be his safety in his therapy sessions" I say bracing myself against his reaction.

He stares at me and says nothing.  
"Well say something…" I say nervously.  
He shakes his head. "I got to hand it to him. He's smooth."  
"I beg your pardon?" I say insulted at what I think he's implying.  
"He wants you to join him in therapy to cope with his relationship issues. Come on Van you are smarter than this."

"Phil, you are being ugly about this and I find it insulting. John's issues are real and he needs a friend."

"And you are just ready and able to be that friend aren't you!" he snaps rising from the couch.  
"Are you saying that after reading his file that there is no need for me to be included in his therapy?"

Phil sighs "Medically speaking he is at the point where he would benefit in including you but its not a requirement. He can proceed without you Van."

"But why should he Phil if I can help."  
"Why? Did you ask why?" He says in anger. "You do remember the emotional breakdown you had when he left town."

"Wait a minute I didn't have a breakdown!" I snap back at him.  
"Close enough, you cried all the time. You shut yourself off from intimacy and through yourself into your work. Van you almost disappeared."

"That's an exaggeration.." I say walking across his office to look toward the window. He comes behind me and puts his hands on my shoulders. "Have you given some thought as to what hearing his pain and problems would do to you? It pulls you back into his orbit. It's what he wants Van."

"He wants me to help him Phil and I can't say no to that. That's not who I am."  
"Then why come to me if I don't have a say in this? Why even ask me about it?"

I turn around and look him in his eyes "Because I love you. Everything I do I will include you. I need your support on this."

He shakes his head and looks at me sadly. "Van, I don't want him in our lives. I don't want you pulled into his."

"He's my friend Phil that's all. I'm not in love with him." I say kissing him on the lips and touching his face.

"So your mind is made up?"  
"I think so. Will we be okay?"  
"I believe in us Van, and I believe that you are committed to me. I will support you in this." He said smiling weakly.  
"Thank you…"

Phil nodded and pulled me into a hug. Resting my head on his shoulder I think about what he said. Can I really handle hearing John discuss his feelings for me and the reasons why he pushed me away. Sighing I tell myself I can, but inside I know the truth. This would be hard. Really hard.

(John's POV)

Walking into Capricorn I see Antonio at the bar talking to a waitress. The place is a buzz with the evening yuppie crowd and I smile at the familiar faces that walk pass me. Looking back at Antonio I see he hasn't changed much. While I was away I thought of my betrayal of our friendship and it hurt me that I lost his respect. He looks up at me approaching and the shock on his face is priceless. 

"You look like you've seen a ghost." I say smiling climbing on the bar stool.  
"My god is it you?"  
"In the flesh…." I say chuckling  
"John, where the hell have you been bro. It's been almost two years."  
"I've been around…how's Jamie?"  
Antonio comes out of his shock and smiles "Beautiful as always."  
"Cool…how about Jessica?"

Antonio laughs. It has been a long time. "Jessica is married to Nash, I'm with Layla."  
Now it's my turn to be surprised. "Wow…I had no idea."

Antonio nods reaching behind the bar and getting my favorite beer. I thank him and we settle into an uncomfortable silence. "Look, I wanted to come by and see you. I wanted to apologize for putting you and your family through the entire DNA ordeal"

Antonio chews on his bottom lip and stares at me. I can see he's deciding on my apology and whether or not the betrayal between them is too vast to be closed with my apology.

"You know John I was really angry at you for a long time. And not for the obvious reasons, you allowed me to believe a lie to serve your own selfish needs. To do that meant you weren't the person I believed you to be. I never knew you at all and that hurt me badly."

I take a swig of the beer and look down. "Antonio, you're right. I was selfish. I didn't do it to protect Christian. I didn't do it to protect Natalie. I did it to destroy me. To keep me in this perpetual state of self loathing. I know that now and brother if I could do it all over again trust me it would be different. All I can say today is that I understand what my betrayal had done to you and your family and I will be forever sorry over it."

Antonio looked at me and stuck out his hand. I lowered my bottle and shook his hand. "Thanks bro"  
"No problem man. Besides I've made so many mistakes over the years who am I not to allow you this one?"  
I smile grateful for the reprieve. "How are Christian and Natalie? Michael told me they were together."  
Antonio nodded. "They're happy and living in New York. Chris paintings are the rage in Manhattan and Natalie is his manager."  
"That sounds great…" I say genuinely happy for their happy ending.  
"So you know I'm dying to know.." Antonio said accepting the drink order from a waitress and fixing the drinks.

"What?" I ask smiling.  
"Evangeline? Does she know you're back? I know Layla doesn't because I would have heard an ear full on that."  
"I've seen her…and her new beau" I say chuckling.

Antonio studies my face "Jamison? They make a cute couple hunh" he says laughing  
I laugh too "Extremely….makes me all warm and fuzzy to think about it."

We both laugh at that. I look down the bar and see a woman staring at me. I wink at her and keep drinking my beer. Antonio looked at me and smirked. "What's up with you man? You seem different."

Before I can respond the woman at the end of the bar is already at my side.  
"Hi, I'm Marsha"  
Holding my beer I look to my left and see the buxom beauty with fire red hair and laugh. She looks at me embarrassed and I try to settle my laughter and not be rude. "Nice to meet you Marsha"

"I was wondering if I could buy you a drink…" she said batting her eyes at me.  
"Sorry sweetie, but I'm not interested." I say looking her dead in the eye. Marsha frowns and then tries to cover graciously. "Well enjoy your beer" she says walking away.

"Damn man that was cold…thought you were in to redheads" Antonio laughed watching the woman walk away.

I laugh "I wouldn't touch a redhead if your life depended on it!"   
Antonio laughs and we talk about all the things that happened over the past year. He tells me of his love affair with Layla and how she keeps him on his toes. He also gives me some insight into Evangeline.

"How did it start?" I ask lowering my now empty beer bottle to the bar.

"I think he took notice of her man after you hooked up with Natalie. According to Layla he was constantly in her space."

"Really?" I say feeling a knife in my heart at the reference of my choosing Natalie.

"Well anyways after you left Van took it hard. I mean I know you two were barely speaking but it was a shock to us all. She felt abandoned….again this is Layla speaking."

I laugh "I understand Layla does have a tendency to exaggerate."

"I saw her man and I can say she was definitely different and closed off. But soon I saw her and Jamison here and around town and she was smiling again. They really seemed to be connecting. Now I've had dinner with them and even went to Jamaica with them"

"Jamaica?" I say frowning.

"Yeah, just a vacation. But I got a glimpse at them as a couple…"  
"And?" I ask impatiently

"My honest opinion is that she's happy and comfortable. But it's not what you two shared."

"Thanks man…" I say pushing from the bar. Antonio looks at me confused. "For what?'

"For being a friend again. I'm glad you are happy. Hold onto Layla. The Williamson sisters are one of a kind."

He smiles at me as I walk away. Mending fences and righting old wrongs is one of the ways I will heal. But getting Evangeline to love and trust me again is the only way I can live again.


	6. Chapter 6

**Starting Over: Therapy**

by tarskeewee08

2 Days Later

(Evangeline's POV)

"Okay Ms. Thang we need to talk!" Layla snapped slamming my office door. I look at her angrily. "Have you lost your mind storming into here like that! This is my place of business."

Layla glares at me with her arms folded "When were you planning to tell me that John was in town?"

I look at her and my watch. I need to be out of here in the next hour to make our first session. I spoke to him yesterday briefly and he gave me the name of doctor and the time. He didn't say much else and I was kind of disappointed.

It took some extreme effort in makeup sessions with my man to get him past these sessions and now I got my sister in here acting like I owe her some explanation.

"Layla sweetie that's not your business!"   
"Really? Who was there when he trashed your heart for that redheaded troll!" she hissed genuinely hurt that Antonio was the one to deliver the news to her.

Shaking my head I push away from my desk. "Okay, maybe I should have told you he was back. But it really has nothing to do with me. The man had a life here before us, you know." I say walking around my desk and coming to face her. I leaned against the front of my desk with my hands placed on either side of me and my legs crossed.

"What does Phil think about this!"

"Phil is a wonderful caring man. He isn't threatened by John in the least."

Layla stares at me for a long time trying to make sure I am on the up and up with her. Finally relaxing she drops her arms. "Van, I just don't want you hurt again. You loved him so much and he walked away from you like you didn't matter. Please don't give into him."

I was shocked. I had no idea my painful relationship with John had this effect on my sister. She was scared for me. Rising from the desk I went to her and hugged her. "Layla, sweetie, I'm okay really. John and I are friends but there's nothing romantic between us. Neither of us wants that."

"I don't trust him" she said hugging me "Antonio said he was different. Something is up Van I can feel it."

Letting her go I move her hair from her face. "Well I can tell you with absolute certainty that I'm happy now and in love with Phil. No matter what is going on with John that will not change."

She smiled at me "Good. Because girl I was so close to calling momma on you!"

I burst into laughter and so does she. Looking at my watch I realize I need to be going. "I have an appointment Lay, how about we do lunch at the club Saturday. Maybe we can get Nora to join us." I say going back to my desk and clearing away my paperwork.

Layla grinned. "That would be great!"  
Layla turns to leave and stops at the door. "Van, I like Phil."  
Looking up from my desk again I smile "Okay…"  
"He respects you and loves ONLY you…don't forget that." she said winking and walking out.

I watch as the door close and sigh. "I will try to remember that honey." I say under my breath. "I will definitely try…."

St. Anne's

Walking down the corridor I see a nun coming down the hall smiling at me. "Excuse me sister but I am looking for Sister Marie Clancy office."

The nun smiles holding her rosary. "Please follow me…"

We walk down the pale pink hallway the silence in this place makes me nervous. It was like a tomb in here. Knowing that unstable people were in closed doors around me made me a little paranoid. I fought the urge to turn and leave continuing onward.

Stopping at two gray doors the sister bowed and pointed. I thank her and pushed inside. The psychologist sat behind the desk and John sat in a chair waiting patiently they both looked at me and smiled when I entered. "I hope I'm not too late." I say embarrassed.

John stands and shakes his head "No, I just got in please come in and sit down."  
The sister looks at us and smiles and nods.  
Walking in my heels clicking on the linoleum floor I go to the chair and sit down placing my purse next to me.

John sits down staring at me smiling. I swallow hard and try to act less nervous. The sister closes her folder. "Evangeline, my name is Sister Marie Clancy but you can call me Sister Clancy."

I nod. "Nice to meet you Sister Clancy"

"What did John tell you about our sessions?"

"Nothing really" I say looking at him. "He said he needed a safety and that this was necessary to his recovery."

She nodded. "Yes, can you explain what your interpretation of a safety is?"  
"I guess someone to comfort you when things get out of hand."  
The sister looked at John and smiled "Well it could be that but for John's sessions it won't."

I frown at her "I beg your pardon?"  
"Saftey for John is bringing in the person he feels most affected and involved in his issues. He wants to hash out his feelings and deal with his insecurities and fears with that party and have them contribute honestly giving feedback that keeps his sessions in perspective."

I look at John shocked "You have issues with me?" I say pointing at myself.

John smiles sweetly. "Not issues baby, feelings….unresolved feelings that I need your help sorting out."

Now I can't hide my surprise. I thought I was a support system. This sounds like joint therapy for us. "I don't know if I can do this" I say looking at the sister. I can't look at John. I know he has disappointment on his face.

The sister nods "It is demanding and emotionally draining. I want you to be fully aware of how this therapy will impact you. How it will affect the dynamics of your relationship with John."

I frown. "I'm not in a relationship with John. I love Phil."

This sister raises her eyebrows "No Evangeline, when I say relationship I don't mean it in that context. It's my understanding that you two are friends now. That's the relationship I was referencing."

I blush and look at John who doesn't seemed fazed by my outburst "Oh, yes of course"  
The sister looks at me for a long moment. "Would you like some time to think on this? We can start this process another day if you like. I just wanted you fully aware of what our sessions would be like."

I chewed on my bottom lip and sucked in my breath. I didn't want to run away from this but god what was I thinking? I look at him and I see his need for support making me soften. Why didn't he tell me that I was apart of his issues. I thought his dad and Caitlyn were. Hell even Natalie but me? 

"I want to help him sister. I think this may in turn help me…when our relationship ended it took a serious toll on me emotionally. Maybe we can both move on."

John gave me a knowing smile and we communicated in the way we used too. I knew that his intent was to move on and not the way that I suggested. I dropped my gaze ignoring it.

"Very Well…we can start" she said opening his file. "Today I thought it would be good John for you to tell me who and what Evangeline was to you when you first met."

John rubbed her hands together. I looked at him and he seemed anxious to have this process underway. I found that curious. The John I knew years ago would never want to be exposed like this. But now he was a different man.

"When I met her, I was struck by her beauty and differences from me."

I look at him and frown. "Differences?"

The nun raises her hand. "We allow each other time to talk before interrupting Evangeline" she said sweetly.

"Sorry…"

"Well not the time we met in the park but when you came to my cell on the Haver case, when Natalie hired you as my lawyer. You talked about my case and all I could do was take you in. You were so different than any woman I'd met. Not just the color of your skin but the confidence in your spirit. See I was hiding the fact that I had no confidence in myself. To see the strength in you it made me…I don't know it made me want to know more."

I look at him shocked to hear him say that he admired me back then.

"Okay Evangeline what did you think of John in that meeting."

Dropping my eyes off him I looked at the floor, trying to recall that meeting and my feelings. "I found him attractive but I didn't think anything of him. I mean he was a client and I was there to do a job. I spoke of his case and left…."

The nun nodded. "John…"

"I never thought we would go as far as we did. The woman of my dreams was nothing like Evangeline and the woman that I was currently bonding with was even further from her. These two ladies were strong in some sense but worshiped me in another. Evangeline was a woman that didn't worship a man. My impression of her was that I would have to be my own man to draw her in."

I listen and feel a sense of understanding that I didn't have before between us. John looks at me and his eyes are sincere and full of pain. "Evangeline, I wanted to know you, because to know you meant that I would be more than I was. It would make me face myself. Something I refused to do."

"When did you too meet again? In a more relaxed setting?" the sister asked.  
I broke our stare and looked at the sister "I ran into him at the Palace. He had gotten an award and I offered to buy him a drink."

John laughed. "It was that meeting that sealed my fate."  
I smiled "It changed me too..."

"How so…" the sister asked.

I looked over at John and blushed "I was involved with someone but I engaged in some harmless flirting with him. Before long I kissed him on a dare."

"Her kiss was sweet and soft, contrary to the cool hard demeanor she exuded around Llanview. I knew that it was more to her than strength. I knew she had more to offer."

"You thought I was cool and hard?" I ask hurt

He smiled "Not in a bad way but yes. I saw nothing spontaneous or carefree about you. From your handling of my case to the way you bought my drinks I saw you as the one that always had to be in control. But after our kiss I saw that you lost some of that control. I saw it on your face."

I don't know what to say. I look at the nun who watches us in silence. She sits up. "The reason Evangeline I wanted to initiate dialogue between you two on what your perceptions were initially because It gives me a glimpse into why John fought his battles with you and no one else." 

"He didn't fight his battles with me…he ran from me!" I say bitterly  
"Evangeline, I did you have no idea." he said   
"Really? Is that why you encouraged Natalie and kept her in our relationship?"

The sister threw her hand up "No…we won't discuss Natalie or the breakdown of your relationship today. I want to cover it all in stages. Evangeline is John's perception of your meeting and first kiss accurate. You can't speak on his feelings but after hearing him express them would you think they were honest?"

I look at him and nod "Yes, I didn't know that he saw me as strong and aloof and the kiss gave him a glimpse of tenderness. I didn't know he saw me at all and maybe that's why I took the dare and kissed him. To let him know that I am a woman with desires like anyone else. I know you said we won't cover all of it today, but he always paints me as the pillar of strength and I believe it gave him license to trample my heart. He believed oh well she can take it!"

John sat back in his chair and his face turned red. I know my words hurt him but they were the truth. The sister nodded. "He admitted as much. But you will find Evangeline in these sessions that there are many layers to a persons life and love. Layers that we hide behind to keep ourselves from being vulnerable. John has uncovered the layers of his father's death and Caitlyn's murder. But his relationship and failure at love with you is what pushed him over the edge."

"What?" I snap "That's not true. He never cared about me. He put everyone else first! I don't know what he told you but dammit I was there. I know what happened."

Looking at them both I frown at my outburst. "I'm sorry"  
"Don't be "John said. "It's the reason you're here. I need your perspective too" he says touching my knee.

I look at his hand on my knee and my heartbeat quickens.

The nun sees my reaction and studies my face "What does his touching you do to you? Does it make you uncomfortable" she asked

John pulled his hand away quickly. "I'm sorry"  
I shift in my seat "It does nothing…" I say weakly  
The nun nods. "Okay…I think that will be enough for today."

I look at her shocked. It was already an hour and it felt like 15 minutes. There was so much more we needed to say. John stood up and shook the sister's hand and I grabbed my purse standing. "Thank you sister" I say

She smiles. "We did good today. You both may not know it but it's the beginning of reaching something important here. Something John you need to face and take as your own so you can be whole again."

He smiled "I understand sister"  
She looks at him. "Any visions or night tremors?" she asked concern.  
"No."

I look at him shocked "Visions?"

He squeezes my hand. "I will explain that to you later."  
I nod and thank the sister following him out. Once we are in the corridor we walk down the hallway in an uncomfortable silence. Coming to the elevator I feel his eyes on me. "Got time for a Latte at Starbucks? I have some things I want to share with you."

I smile. "There's a Starbucks up on Clancy Street less than a mile from here. We can meet there."

The elevator opens and we step inside. "Thanks for coming Van."  
"No problem John I said I wanted to help and I meant it." I say smiling.

He smiled too and we fell back into silence. I thought about what he said he initially found me as strong and cold. He told me I was strong over and over but to hear it in the way he framed it made me feel weird. I guess the sister is right perceptions are key. This man never really knew how much I needed to be protected too. Stepping off the elevator I smile at him and walk out the building. I'm less confident that I can handle these sessions. That I can keep our past in perspective and not want him as part of my future.

Starbucks 

I take a seat at the table with him holding my caramel frappachino. He sits down with his black coffee and smiles at me. I sip at my drink and wonder what his visions are about and these night terrors.

"You remember in Mary's Basement when I told you that my father and Caitlyn haunted me?"  
Sipping the steamy sweet liquid I nod and lower my cup. "Yes I remember."  
"Well haunt wasn't quite the right word. Actually I had visions of them and conversations with them too."  
I look at him curious "Conversations?"  
"Yeah me and my dad mostly…just about my life and my choices. But toward the end with the Christian secret the visions became more intense and emotionally draining pushing me to face feelings of guilt and abandonment from him and Caitlyn."

"Okay…"  
"My first nervous breakdown I couldn't separate reality from these visions and I had to be medicated."

I reach across the table and touch his hand. He looks at my hand and takes it into his. Raising it to his lips he slowly kisses it and I feel a tingle from the tips of my nails to my wrist. God help me I enjoy the sensation. He then takes my hand and rubs it against his face. "Your strength was so comforting Van, it protected me. God I miss that feeling."

I watch his eyes lower as her rubs my hand against his face. Turning it over her kisses the inside of my wrist and his soft gentle kiss makes me part my lips and breathe out a sigh of desire. Feeling my eyes lower themselves I fight the torturous fight within me and remove my hand. Looking at my watch I smile "I have to go John" I say grabbing my frappachino and rising. He looks at me disappointed. "You have to go back to him?" he asks.

I freeze and look at him. "Him? You mean Phil? Of course John you said you understood that I was in love with him."

He threw his hands up in the air. "Hey baby sorry….it was knee jerk reaction. Can't blame a fellow for being jealous. I know what it's like to be the recipient of your desires. I can't help but hate on Phil for having that pleasure."

I soften and smile "You are such a flirt McBain!" I say putting my purse on my shoulder.  
He winks at me. "See you tomorrow at our session."  
"Take care John" I say leaving before I change my mind. Walking out in the autumn air my hair blowing from my face, I unlock my Mercedes with my keyless remote and walk over to open my door. Looking up I see him watching me from the window and that old blue flame of desire is burning in his eyes. It sends shivers through my most intimate spots and I shake it off and get inside. I will go home to Phil and his love. It's where I belong.


	7. Chapter 7

**Starting Over: Therapy**

by tarskeewee08

2 Days Later

(Evangeline's POV)

"Okay Ms. Thang we need to talk!" Layla snapped slamming my office door. I look at her angrily. "Have you lost your mind storming into here like that! This is my place of business."

Layla glares at me with her arms folded "When were you planning to tell me that John was in town?"

I look at her and my watch. I need to be out of here in the next hour to make our first session. I spoke to him yesterday briefly and he gave me the name of doctor and the time. He didn't say much else and I was kind of disappointed.

It took some extreme effort in makeup sessions with my man to get him past these sessions and now I got my sister in here acting like I owe her some explanation.

"Layla sweetie that's not your business!"   
"Really? Who was there when he trashed your heart for that redheaded troll!" she hissed genuinely hurt that Antonio was the one to deliver the news to her.

Shaking my head I push away from my desk. "Okay, maybe I should have told you he was back. But it really has nothing to do with me. The man had a life here before us, you know." I say walking around my desk and coming to face her. I leaned against the front of my desk with my hands placed on either side of me and my legs crossed.

"What does Phil think about this!"

"Phil is a wonderful caring man. He isn't threatened by John in the least."

Layla stares at me for a long time trying to make sure I am on the up and up with her. Finally relaxing she drops her arms. "Van, I just don't want you hurt again. You loved him so much and he walked away from you like you didn't matter. Please don't give into him."

I was shocked. I had no idea my painful relationship with John had this effect on my sister. She was scared for me. Rising from the desk I went to her and hugged her. "Layla, sweetie, I'm okay really. John and I are friends but there's nothing romantic between us. Neither of us wants that."

"I don't trust him" she said hugging me "Antonio said he was different. Something is up Van I can feel it."

Letting her go I move her hair from her face. "Well I can tell you with absolute certainty that I'm happy now and in love with Phil. No matter what is going on with John that will not change."

She smiled at me "Good. Because girl I was so close to calling momma on you!"

I burst into laughter and so does she. Looking at my watch I realize I need to be going. "I have an appointment Lay, how about we do lunch at the club Saturday. Maybe we can get Nora to join us." I say going back to my desk and clearing away my paperwork.

Layla grinned. "That would be great!"  
Layla turns to leave and stops at the door. "Van, I like Phil."  
Looking up from my desk again I smile "Okay…"  
"He respects you and loves ONLY you…don't forget that." she said winking and walking out.

I watch as the door close and sigh. "I will try to remember that honey." I say under my breath. "I will definitely try…."

St. Anne's

Walking down the corridor I see a nun coming down the hall smiling at me. "Excuse me sister but I am looking for Sister Marie Clancy office."

The nun smiles holding her rosary. "Please follow me…"

We walk down the pale pink hallway the silence in this place makes me nervous. It was like a tomb in here. Knowing that unstable people were in closed doors around me made me a little paranoid. I fought the urge to turn and leave continuing onward.

Stopping at two gray doors the sister bowed and pointed. I thank her and pushed inside. The psychologist sat behind the desk and John sat in a chair waiting patiently they both looked at me and smiled when I entered. "I hope I'm not too late." I say embarrassed.

John stands and shakes his head "No, I just got in please come in and sit down."  
The sister looks at us and smiles and nods.  
Walking in my heels clicking on the linoleum floor I go to the chair and sit down placing my purse next to me.

John sits down staring at me smiling. I swallow hard and try to act less nervous. The sister closes her folder. "Evangeline, my name is Sister Marie Clancy but you can call me Sister Clancy."

I nod. "Nice to meet you Sister Clancy"

"What did John tell you about our sessions?"

"Nothing really" I say looking at him. "He said he needed a safety and that this was necessary to his recovery."

She nodded. "Yes, can you explain what your interpretation of a safety is?"  
"I guess someone to comfort you when things get out of hand."  
The sister looked at John and smiled "Well it could be that but for John's sessions it won't."

I frown at her "I beg your pardon?"  
"Saftey for John is bringing in the person he feels most affected and involved in his issues. He wants to hash out his feelings and deal with his insecurities and fears with that party and have them contribute honestly giving feedback that keeps his sessions in perspective."

I look at John shocked "You have issues with me?" I say pointing at myself.

John smiles sweetly. "Not issues baby, feelings….unresolved feelings that I need your help sorting out."

Now I can't hide my surprise. I thought I was a support system. This sounds like joint therapy for us. "I don't know if I can do this" I say looking at the sister. I can't look at John. I know he has disappointment on his face.

The sister nods "It is demanding and emotionally draining. I want you to be fully aware of how this therapy will impact you. How it will affect the dynamics of your relationship with John."

I frown. "I'm not in a relationship with John. I love Phil."

This sister raises her eyebrows "No Evangeline, when I say relationship I don't mean it in that context. It's my understanding that you two are friends now. That's the relationship I was referencing."

I blush and look at John who doesn't seemed fazed by my outburst "Oh, yes of course"  
The sister looks at me for a long moment. "Would you like some time to think on this? We can start this process another day if you like. I just wanted you fully aware of what our sessions would be like."

I chewed on my bottom lip and sucked in my breath. I didn't want to run away from this but god what was I thinking? I look at him and I see his need for support making me soften. Why didn't he tell me that I was apart of his issues. I thought his dad and Caitlyn were. Hell even Natalie but me? 

"I want to help him sister. I think this may in turn help me…when our relationship ended it took a serious toll on me emotionally. Maybe we can both move on."

John gave me a knowing smile and we communicated in the way we used too. I knew that his intent was to move on and not the way that I suggested. I dropped my gaze ignoring it.

"Very Well…we can start" she said opening his file. "Today I thought it would be good John for you to tell me who and what Evangeline was to you when you first met."

John rubbed her hands together. I looked at him and he seemed anxious to have this process underway. I found that curious. The John I knew years ago would never want to be exposed like this. But now he was a different man.

"When I met her, I was struck by her beauty and differences from me."

I look at him and frown. "Differences?"

The nun raises her hand. "We allow each other time to talk before interrupting Evangeline" she said sweetly.

"Sorry…"

"Well not the time we met in the park but when you came to my cell on the Haver case, when Natalie hired you as my lawyer. You talked about my case and all I could do was take you in. You were so different than any woman I'd met. Not just the color of your skin but the confidence in your spirit. See I was hiding the fact that I had no confidence in myself. To see the strength in you it made me…I don't know it made me want to know more."

I look at him shocked to hear him say that he admired me back then.

"Okay Evangeline what did you think of John in that meeting."

Dropping my eyes off him I looked at the floor, trying to recall that meeting and my feelings. "I found him attractive but I didn't think anything of him. I mean he was a client and I was there to do a job. I spoke of his case and left…."

The nun nodded. "John…"

"I never thought we would go as far as we did. The woman of my dreams was nothing like Evangeline and the woman that I was currently bonding with was even further from her. These two ladies were strong in some sense but worshiped me in another. Evangeline was a woman that didn't worship a man. My impression of her was that I would have to be my own man to draw her in."

I listen and feel a sense of understanding that I didn't have before between us. John looks at me and his eyes are sincere and full of pain. "Evangeline, I wanted to know you, because to know you meant that I would be more than I was. It would make me face myself. Something I refused to do."

"When did you too meet again? In a more relaxed setting?" the sister asked.  
I broke our stare and looked at the sister "I ran into him at the Palace. He had gotten an award and I offered to buy him a drink."

John laughed. "It was that meeting that sealed my fate."  
I smiled "It changed me too..."

"How so…" the sister asked.

I looked over at John and blushed "I was involved with someone but I engaged in some harmless flirting with him. Before long I kissed him on a dare."

"Her kiss was sweet and soft, contrary to the cool hard demeanor she exuded around Llanview. I knew that it was more to her than strength. I knew she had more to offer."

"You thought I was cool and hard?" I ask hurt

He smiled "Not in a bad way but yes. I saw nothing spontaneous or carefree about you. From your handling of my case to the way you bought my drinks I saw you as the one that always had to be in control. But after our kiss I saw that you lost some of that control. I saw it on your face."

I don't know what to say. I look at the nun who watches us in silence. She sits up. "The reason Evangeline I wanted to initiate dialogue between you two on what your perceptions were initially because It gives me a glimpse into why John fought his battles with you and no one else." 

"He didn't fight his battles with me…he ran from me!" I say bitterly  
"Evangeline, I did you have no idea." he said   
"Really? Is that why you encouraged Natalie and kept her in our relationship?"

The sister threw her hand up "No…we won't discuss Natalie or the breakdown of your relationship today. I want to cover it all in stages. Evangeline is John's perception of your meeting and first kiss accurate. You can't speak on his feelings but after hearing him express them would you think they were honest?"

I look at him and nod "Yes, I didn't know that he saw me as strong and aloof and the kiss gave him a glimpse of tenderness. I didn't know he saw me at all and maybe that's why I took the dare and kissed him. To let him know that I am a woman with desires like anyone else. I know you said we won't cover all of it today, but he always paints me as the pillar of strength and I believe it gave him license to trample my heart. He believed oh well she can take it!"

John sat back in his chair and his face turned red. I know my words hurt him but they were the truth. The sister nodded. "He admitted as much. But you will find Evangeline in these sessions that there are many layers to a persons life and love. Layers that we hide behind to keep ourselves from being vulnerable. John has uncovered the layers of his father's death and Caitlyn's murder. But his relationship and failure at love with you is what pushed him over the edge."

"What?" I snap "That's not true. He never cared about me. He put everyone else first! I don't know what he told you but dammit I was there. I know what happened."

Looking at them both I frown at my outburst. "I'm sorry"  
"Don't be "John said. "It's the reason you're here. I need your perspective too" he says touching my knee.

I look at his hand on my knee and my heartbeat quickens.

The nun sees my reaction and studies my face "What does his touching you do to you? Does it make you uncomfortable" she asked

John pulled his hand away quickly. "I'm sorry"  
I shift in my seat "It does nothing…" I say weakly  
The nun nods. "Okay…I think that will be enough for today."

I look at her shocked. It was already an hour and it felt like 15 minutes. There was so much more we needed to say. John stood up and shook the sister's hand and I grabbed my purse standing. "Thank you sister" I say

She smiles. "We did good today. You both may not know it but it's the beginning of reaching something important here. Something John you need to face and take as your own so you can be whole again."

He smiled "I understand sister"  
She looks at him. "Any visions or night tremors?" she asked concern.  
"No."

I look at him shocked "Visions?"

He squeezes my hand. "I will explain that to you later."  
I nod and thank the sister following him out. Once we are in the corridor we walk down the hallway in an uncomfortable silence. Coming to the elevator I feel his eyes on me. "Got time for a Latte at Starbucks? I have some things I want to share with you."

I smile. "There's a Starbucks up on Clancy Street less than a mile from here. We can meet there."

The elevator opens and we step inside. "Thanks for coming Van."  
"No problem John I said I wanted to help and I meant it." I say smiling.

He smiled too and we fell back into silence. I thought about what he said he initially found me as strong and cold. He told me I was strong over and over but to hear it in the way he framed it made me feel weird. I guess the sister is right perceptions are key. This man never really knew how much I needed to be protected too. Stepping off the elevator I smile at him and walk out the building. I'm less confident that I can handle these sessions. That I can keep our past in perspective and not want him as part of my future.

Starbucks 

I take a seat at the table with him holding my caramel frappachino. He sits down with his black coffee and smiles at me. I sip at my drink and wonder what his visions are about and these night terrors.

"You remember in Mary's Basement when I told you that my father and Caitlyn haunted me?"  
Sipping the steamy sweet liquid I nod and lower my cup. "Yes I remember."  
"Well haunt wasn't quite the right word. Actually I had visions of them and conversations with them too."  
I look at him curious "Conversations?"  
"Yeah me and my dad mostly…just about my life and my choices. But toward the end with the Christian secret the visions became more intense and emotionally draining pushing me to face feelings of guilt and abandonment from him and Caitlyn."

"Okay…"  
"My first nervous breakdown I couldn't separate reality from these visions and I had to be medicated."

I reach across the table and touch his hand. He looks at my hand and takes it into his. Raising it to his lips he slowly kisses it and I feel a tingle from the tips of my nails to my wrist. God help me I enjoy the sensation. He then takes my hand and rubs it against his face. "Your strength was so comforting Van, it protected me. God I miss that feeling."

I watch his eyes lower as her rubs my hand against his face. Turning it over her kisses the inside of my wrist and his soft gentle kiss makes me part my lips and breathe out a sigh of desire. Feeling my eyes lower themselves I fight the torturous fight within me and remove my hand. Looking at my watch I smile "I have to go John" I say grabbing my frappachino and rising. He looks at me disappointed. "You have to go back to him?" he asks.

I freeze and look at him. "Him? You mean Phil? Of course John you said you understood that I was in love with him."

He threw his hands up in the air. "Hey baby sorry….it was knee jerk reaction. Can't blame a fellow for being jealous. I know what it's like to be the recipient of your desires. I can't help but hate on Phil for having that pleasure."

I soften and smile "You are such a flirt McBain!" I say putting my purse on my shoulder.  
He winks at me. "See you tomorrow at our session."  
"Take care John" I say leaving before I change my mind. Walking out in the autumn air my hair blowing from my face, I unlock my Mercedes with my keyless remote and walk over to open my door. Looking up I see him watching me from the window and that old blue flame of desire is burning in his eyes. It sends shivers through my most intimate spots and I shake it off and get inside. I will go home to Phil and his love. It's where I belong.


	8. Chapter 8

**Starting Over: Theapy Natalie**

by tarskeewee08

(Evangeline's POV)

Looking at the ceiling I think about yesterday's session. It's all I thought about when I came home. Phil talked on and on about his problems with Dr. Truman and I smiled through the dinner but my thoughts constantly drifted back to him.

Phil stirred and threw his arm across me his hand landing on my breast as he snuggled closer snoring lightly in my ear.

I'd been up since 3 am and it was now 5. I just couldn't stop thinking of him and his confession of intimate issues with us. How I longed to hear those words from him. Now I've heard them, what do they mean? Closing my eyes I sigh loudly in frustration, it wakes Phil and he moans then massage my breast. I feel him move in to kiss my neck and I smile faintly saying a silent prayer hoping that he doesn't want to make love…not now.

But unfortunately god isn't listening.

His hand slides down my gown and pulls at it raising it above my hips as he kisses my neck as he moans. I feel my body stiffen and the image of John kissing the inside of my wrist flashes before my eyes.

Turning my head so Phil can't kiss me he rolls on top of me moving my legs apart. I immediately regret not wearing underwear under my gown as I feel him enter me dryly. His face is buried in my hair and I try to relax and give him what he needs, rubbing his back I sigh as he pushes further into me groaning in my ear. I bend my knees and arch my back but I can't relax to enjoy him. I hear John saying that each time he touched me it was an act of love and I want the man in my arms to be him. Shaking my head I fight the war raging in my heart. I promised Phil I could handle this. I promised that John had no access to my heart. I lied.

Phil pushes in and out of me and I rub his back going through the motions. This is the first time we've made love since John came back that I felt so utterly detached from him and its killing me. He kisses my face and I swear his kisses feel wet and sloppy. I keep my eyes closed and try to steady my breathing grateful he doesn't suspect anything. Feeling him quicken his pace I cling to him and moan softly giving him the impression that I am climaxing with him.

When he is done I'm happy for his release and feel a sense of relief as he pulls out of me and rolls over. He kisses my lips. "You're fantastic. I can never tire of making love to you."

I open my eyes and roll over to look in his face "I love you" I say weakly  
He looks at me and frowns "What's wrong baby? Why are there tears in your eyes?"  
I smile sweetly at my man. "I'm just so happy" I say lying.  
He smiles and kisses my nose. "Me too Van, I really was worried that I could loose you when John came back. But I've never felt closer to you than now."

I touch his face. He's so sweet. He's so caring and he trusts me. "I don't deserve you Phil."

He frowns again and touches my face "Don't you ever say that! Of course we deserve each other!" 

Closing my eyes I fight the urge to tell him the truth, the fact that part of me isn't here with him now. That I lay in bed all night and wondered what he was doing, longing to go to him and extinguish this burning need to give myself to him again.

"Van?"  
Opening my eyes I look into his "Yes..."  
"Don't do this baby….don't shut me out…something is wrong."  
I see his support and I think he deserves the truth but I can't. I just can't. "I'm just worried about this case of mine that's all."  
"You sure..?"  
"Positive"  
"You're so caring." He says kissing my nose then rolling over to get out of bed. I watch him walk into the bathroom naked and admire his athletic pecan brown skin as he leaves my side. Rubbing the sheet next to me where he just laid I relax a little and tell myself I will be alright. We will be alright. 

St. Anne's

Coming off the elevator I see him enter Sister Clancy's office and I step forward trying to remain calm. I fought the idea of not coming back here but in the end I know it's the only hope I have of moving on. Now that John has opened these wounds I need to find a way to close them before I come apart at the seams.

Walking in they both look up at me and I smile faintly. Closing the door and going to my seat I see a look of relief and gratitude on his face and I know he wasn't sure I would come back.

"Hello" Sister Clancy says to me. I smile at her. "Hello sister"  
She closes her file and looks at me. "What have you decided about this therapy?"  
I look at her confused "I don't understand."  
"The last session was particularly rough for you. Are you sure you want to participate."

I look at John and he is glaring at the sister for giving me the option to leave. I see how desperately he wants me to remain. "Yes I need this as well sister. I will see it through."

She nods and looks at John "John, today we need to talk about Natalie…"  
Hearing the sister mention her my blood turns to ice water. I look at him and he has already turned a beet red. "I'm not ready…" he says weakly"  
"I think you are." the sister says sternly

I don't understand his hesitation. He's so open about everything else. Why freeze on Natalie. Unless he doesn't want me to hear the truth, unless the truth is something that will drive us further away from each other, whatever it is I want to hear it. I need to hear it.

"Natalie started in guilt for reasons that Evangeline already knows. The death/kidnapping of her husband."

I nod understanding what he's saying but the sister is not letting him off easily.  
"But there was more to Natalie than guilt wasn't it?'  
He looks away from us both and my heart beat quickens. What is he keeping from me?

"When I was with Van, she was so independent. She didn't need me, not in the way a woman needed her man….or the woman I've had before needed their men…."

"What the hell does that mean!" I snap. And the sister looks at me sternly.

"Evangeline watch your tongue. Don't interrupt again." She says irritated at me using profanity.

"Sorry sister..." I say embarrassed and hurt.

John drops his head. "I was a selfish egotistical coward and I used Natalie and her ever ending crises to make me feel needed. I allowed her interruption into our relationship because it was the only time I saw you get fired up and possessive of me. I wanted the conflict because I felt like it proved that you loved me. That you would fight to hold onto me. That you needed me."

I can't believe what I'm hearing. Is he saying he was testing me? Testing my love for him? Was he so pathetic that he would want to purposefully make me jealous?

He looks at me with tears in my eyes "The game I played with your heart got away from me. Before long I was confused myself about Natalie. I cared for her and I wanted to protect her. She needed me and you didn't. I guess when you walked away I was angry and then you two were kidnapped. I couldn't deal with my guilt and anger over loosing you. I was mixed up and crazy with pain. I ran to her because she needed me and like you said I needed to be needed."

My heart is pounding in my chest and I can taste the bile rising in my throat. Swallowing I begin to sweat and shift in my seat. I can't get my head around what he's saying. Sister Clancy is looking at me curious. "Evangeline what are you feeling?"

I fight to find my voice turning to look at him sweat beading up on my nose and under my collar I freeze then speak. "Is that why you let me remain tied to a pole while you saved her first? To punish me for not being some needy, whiney, infantile, little girl clinging to you for validation of my existence?"

He shook his head. "I saved her first because she would have died if I didn't. You know that Van!"

"I do? Ha! You sit here and tell me that my relationship was plagued by that unscrupulous woman who taunted me and openly flirted with you and you allowed it to get a rise out of me? Then after I poured my heart out to you…you left me for her. How could you be that sick….how could you hurt me that bad!"

He has tears falling down his face "I was sick Van, that's the point. That's why you are here. That's why we are both here because I was sick. I struggled to be the man you wanted but I wasn't him."

"You're right John you weren't even close to the man that I deserved, and to think I was longing…." I stop myself surprised of what I was about to admit.

The sister raises an eyebrow "What were you longing to do?"  
"Nothing"  
"Van, tell me…what were you longing?"

I hate myself. I have a man that loves me, no games no conflict and here I sit wallowing in this mess again. And for what? To hear him whine about how broken he is? We all have tragedies and pain in our lives. But its how you deal with them is what builds character. That's what my daddy taught me. This man never dealt with anything. Instead he runs and hides and blames it on demons and secrets.

Then what do we women do when we meet this brother…white, black, yellow or brown we do the same damn thing. We make excuses for him. We coddle him and tell him we understand even if it means sacrificing our own happiness. We wait patiently for them to become their own men and hope that we are rewarded with the same type of love and patience in return.

Well I for one am sick of the broken man. The man that lost someone and doesn't know how to let go. The man that had his feelings hurt so he can't trust you not to do the same. The man that has an ego that if not stroked he'll run out and get it massaged from some brainless double D bra wearing bimbo with red hair and hard on for you guy.

What was I thinking "It doesn't matter what I was longing John because truth be told you could never give it to me" I snap.

He looks at me wounded and then turns to the sister "Why did you make me tell her! Why did we even bring Natalie up!" 

Sister Clancy looked at John expressionless. "John your therapy is not to get Evangeline back. I have told you this over and over. Your therapy is too heal. I need you to be honest. In our intimacy session you were half honest the other part you were making pitches to her to win her trust. Well if you want her or any other person in your life to believe in you, we will need you to be honest."

I hear what sister Clancy is saying and nod. I needed to hear about Natalie. I needed to be told the truth. I needed to take off my rose colored John glasses and see the man for who he was demons and all. He avoids my eyes and looks across the room. I shake my head at the time wasted between us. I shake my head at the fact that I never really knew him.

Sister Clancy cleared her throat. "When did Natalie no longer fill those needs John?"

John looked over at me. "She never filled my needs. I touched her I thought of you. I kissed her I pretended you were in my arms. I never loved her and when I had her I wanted her gone. I was so happy when you took on Chris case, deep inside I was happy. I had a way out. But by then my deeds had driven you so far away that I had no hope of winning you back. To be honest Van that's how it should be. I didn't deserve you after what I did."

I hear his words I'm grateful for the honesty. He's freeing me from this stranglehold on my heart. I smile at him. "I appreciate your honesty John."

He smiles at me. "I have something else to say…"  
I look at him curious "Okay"

"I love you still and I'm in love with you. I told you this in the hotel room and I am telling you now. It's not a clean clear love like Phil. It's a painful and full of old hurts and unspoken things, but it's also passionate and deeply binding for us both. I know what you learned today makes you want to escape me, but please remember that there is so much more to what we share."

I break his gaze and look at the nun. "Can I ask you a question?"  
She smiles sweetly "Yes dear"

"What do you do when your heart wants a love that's not good for you but needs a love that is?"

The nun remains silent and looks at me for a long moment. "The heart wants what it wants Evangeline. That's why god has given us all a sound mind and the wisdom of discernment. You dear have to use that wisdom to rule over your heart."

I nod and look at John. "I'm glad you included me in these sessions" I say smiling.  
He frowns at me. "You are?"  
"Yes…" I say relaxing. I will keep this all in perspective. Phil is ultimately what I will choose for my heart. I will use these sessions to help me do so. Looking back at him I see him narrowing his eyes on me studying my face He knows I'm fighting against him. He smirks at me confidently and I know what he's doing. He will increase his methods to win to me back.

May the best person win. I think to myself as the sister writes down our thoughts. She smiles eventually and announces therapy is over. Swiftly I grab my purse and rise escaping the room saying brief goodbyes. He watches me flee and doesn't come after me. As I walk into the afternoon sun I smile and inhale the autumn air. I feel like I'm starting over.


	9. Chapter 9

**Starting Over: Getting her Alone**

by tarskeewee08

(John's POV)

"Nora, I tell you I am fine girl.."

Stopping in my tracks I hear her voice. I was walking through Angel Square to the diner to get some lunch on my first day back to work and heard her voice coming through the hedges. Standing with my hands in my pockets I freeze to listen again.

"Yes it's been hard connecting with Phil lately and god I hate I told you about that problem I had being intimate with him yesterday. You won't let it drop. But after yesterdays session I have a better perspective on my heart now. John is my past there is no future for us. I am completely committed to Phil."

I sigh deeply hearing her talk of me as if we didn't matter. I hated the topic of Natalie. It gave her an excuse to run from us. I was wrong for bringing Natalie into our lives but I'm different now. When will that matter?

"No…It's a cool autumn day I'll sit out here in the square and go over my case files. I just wanted to get out of the office. How about we do brunch Sunday after church?"

Hearing her ending the call I force my legs to move and head to her. I see her sitting on a bench in a gray suit. Her hair scooped behind one delicate ear and her diamond stud sparkling in the sun. The other long tresses of her hair have fallen into her face as she writes into her leather bound folder. Putting my hands in my pockets I walk over to her casually.

"Hey what are you doing here?" I ask smiling at her.  
She looks up at me with those doe like eyes and her smile warms my heart on this cool day. "I'm just stretching my legs before court."

I step up and sit next to her. "Isn't it a little cool to be sitting out here?"  
She laughs that charming laugh of hers "We're warm blooded animals we should be able to handle it."

"True….true"

"So what are you doing here? Isn't today your first day back at work?" she asks noticing what she used to call my detective suit, my navy dress pants and suit jacket. I remember when she went shopping for me and bought me a gray suit. I stuck it in the back of my closet and refuse to wear it.

I smile and look at the lady in the park with the toddler that's running ahead of her on wobbly legs. "Yes this is just a lunch break."

She smiles and looks at the child. I see her staring and wonder what she would be like as a mother. "Do you want kids Van?" I ask genuinely curious.

She looks at me surprised. "Where did that come from?"  
I point at the baby. "I see the way you look at them. I saw the way you used to be with Jamie."  
She blushes "My life is to hectic for children"  
"But someday do you want kids?"  
She looks at me and frowns. "I don't know John can we drop it."  
"Sorry I didn't mean to aggravate you."  
She softens and smiles again. "No problem."  
"Hey why don't you join me for drinks after work today? Since we don't have a session we can just do an impromptu rap session between us."

She shakes her head. "No I have to prepare dinner for Phil tonight."  
I grind my teeth at her mention of him and then roll my eyes. She catches me and laughs lightly "You don't like Phil do you?"  
I chuckle "What gave it away?"

She puts her folder back into her briefcase. "The eye roll was pretty obvious."  
"Well I like that he makes you happy. Does he make you happy?"  
"Extremely." she said grinning at me.

I thought about her inability to be intimate with him and move in closer. "You sure? I mean does he touch those familiar spots that I knew, and could make you purr." I say running my finger over her finger that rested on her knee.

She looks at me confused and moves her hand "Why do you have to always take it there?"

I look at her surprised "There? What do you mean take it there?"  
"The flirts, touches and the hints of eroticism, why do you go there?"  
"I miss you that's why. I want to be near you again."

"But John I'm with someone and you said you respect that. Yet every chance you get you make moves on me and I'm finding it insulting."

I look into her face and know she's lying. "That's a lie. You find them tempting and that's why you're aggravated. You're scared to be alone with me. You're scared of what would happen if you let your guard down."

"I don't have time for this." she says turning to leave. I grab her arm preventing her from rising and walking away. "Wait….I'm sorry please."

She stops and looks at me. The wind stirs and her hair blows from her shoulder. I look at the soft copper lipgloss on her lips and honey gold colored eyes shadow framing her eyes, reminding me how captivating she is. Looking into her face I'm reminded of her extreme beauty and my extreme loss in not having her. "Don't push so hard Van, what's the worst that could happen if you give into me?"

She shakes her head "Are you serious?"  
"Yes"  
"The worse thing would be a wonderful man could be hurt. He trusts me John and I'm committed to him. I would never betray him because I'm weakened by these desires we share."

"So you admit you share them."  
"Of course I admit it, but I also know that you haven't changed. Not really. You're honest and open yes, but you are still selfish and want what you want at all cost."

Her words wound me. She's right. I want her at all cost. "Van, I spent a year and a half banging my head against a wall because I lost you. I can't fight it baby. I want a fresh start."

"Well you can't have one John, I'm not available!" she said angrily.  
"I know Van, I really do get that and if I believed that you could have the passion and love with him that we share then I would let you go." 

She rises snatching her arm away. "That's not your call and for the record Phil is very passionate. But passion is not what sustains us, its our mutual respect and commitment to what we share. I respect him too much to give into you. I won't do it!" she snaps storming off."

I watch her walking away hair blowing in the wind. The tailored suit she's wearing carving out the curves that are burned into my memory. Slouching on the bench I close my eyes and shake my head. The only way I can have her is if he lets her go. He'll never do that, so what the hell am I going to do? Therapy won't be enough; she takes the ugly truth of our past and uses it as a way to keep me from her.

Opening my eyes I look at the toddler again now jumping and skipping around the fountain. I imagine what it would be like to have a family with her. What type of mother she would be. What type of father I would make. Somehow I would have to reach her. Somehow I will succeed.

Rising I put my hands in my pocket and go the diner.

The Station

"Lt. McBain…"  
I look up and see Officer Cleveland. Nodding I wave him into my office. "Come in Cleveland."

He walks in and smiles faintly. "I need your help."  
I look at him confused. "Okay…what seems to be the problem?"  
"I collared a man today for beating his pregnant girlfriend in Wal-Mart. I think my temper got the best of me and I got a little rough."

I look at Cleveland and frown. He's a gentle giant and rarely raises his voice. If things got out of hand the perp deserved it. "How bad?"

"He's banged up and demanding my superiors. Before his attorney gets here I was wondering if you could talk to him. I really don't want to take a hit on this one. It wasn't my intention to hurt him."

I nod and rise from my desk. "Where is he?"  
"He's in lock up on level D" He said embarrassed.

I smile at the officer and walk over patting him on the back. "Let me take care of it. Meet me back in here in an hour or two okay."

He nods and walks out. Heading down the corridor to the back freight elevator I barely pay attention to the people I pass. My mind drifts to Evangeline and our conversation in the park. Seeing the elevator about to close I yell for the person to wait. The doors reopen and I see her standing there with her briefcase.

Walking into the elevator. I look at her surprised. "What are you doing here?"  
She smiles lightly "Client"

The elevator jerks shakes and stops. I press the buttons and no movement. Hitting the red alarm button it buzzes. She looks at me suspiciously. I smile "I swear Van I have nothing to do with this."

She rolls he eyes and goes to the little iron box in the wall under the elevator buttons and opens it. She presses the button and no ones comes through the speaker. Frowning she presses frantically.

I look at her and see her desperation "Look like some kind of fuse or something may have blown. It happens in this elevator. They will come to us soon."

Looking at her watch she frowns still not acknowledging me. She retrieves her cell phone. I lean against the elevator wall with my hand in my pockets watching her. She tries to get a signal and can't. Tossing it back in her purse she looks at me expectantly.

"What do you want me to do Van we're stuck."  
"John try your cell please." She says folding her arms.

I smile and pull mine loose getting no bars either, I turn the phone to face her so she knows I'm not lying. I can't believe my luck. This must be fate. This is my chance to have her to myself.

As if she reads my mind she goes back and presses the button again. Pressing multiple buttons I shake my head and wait until she is calm.

"Is it that terrifying being trapped with me?"  
She looks at me and blinks surprised. "What?"  
"The way you're acting…it's almost like you're desperate."

She stands up straight and glares at me. "You find this funny don't you? I still think you had to have planned it."

"How would I know you were coming here on my first day of work and that you would be riding the elevator at 2:45pm?"

She smiles "You make me sick McBain"

I laugh too and come up off the elevator wall. Taking a step to her my smile fades as well as hers.

"But I am glad too have you alone Van. Just me and you" I say getting in her space.

She looks at me and I see her fear tempered by desire. She wouldn't escape me this time and I planned to make use of every minute that she was mine.


	10. Chapter 10

**Starting Over: Loosing Control**

by tarskeewee08

(Evangeline's POV)

"Oh sweet Jesus please don't do this to me." I say to myself pressed against the elevator wall. He has his left arm up blocking my escape. The wall to my right prevents me from stepping away from him. Looking down I avoid those blue eyes. Those eyes have always been my downfall, if I don't look into them I will be alright,. I know I will.

"Evangeline look at me" he says in that deep smoky voice of his.  
"No, move John. This isn't funny." I say my voice cracking.  
"You still wear Channel I see..." he says leaning into me and inhaling. I close my eyes and turn my face so that if he tries to kiss me he can't. Thankfully he doesn't and I sense him bringing his face back.

"Look at me Van…I want to see your eyes" he says softly in my ear. I keep my face turned away and squeeze them shut. "John, don't do this!" I manage to choke out.

"Why? You're mine you know that." He says using his finger on his right hand to move the hair that his fallen in my face and scooping it behind my ear to reveal my neck. His touch gives me butterflies and I try to think of Phil to gather my strength and push him away. But my hands and arms are led and permanently welded to my side.

"God you are so beautiful…." He says leaning into me.

I feel his lips brush against my neck and I finally understand what Mina in Bram Strokers, Dracula felt like when the vampire took her against her will. Slowly I am drawn back into the warm erotic feeling of his lips on my body and my heart bleeds from the betrayal, as all the blood in body rushes to the spot he's kissed me reveling in the feeling.

Unable to fight him I just hope that eventually air returns to my lungs which burn with passion for him. I swallow and pray I don't faint from his advances. He moves his hand to the single button on my suit as his tongue comes out to my neck.

The tongue that has traveled every inch of my body in the past forces my body to respond to the sweet memory of its touch. The jugular vein in my neck pulsates and beats to the rhythm of his flicking pink tender tongue as he rains kisses up under my chin and neck forcing me to arch my tilted head to give him room. Feeling my jacket fall open a deep regretful sigh escapes me but no words. In my mind I'm screaming at my myself:

"VAN STOP IT GIRL! DON'T LET HIM DO THIS TO YOU!"  
"PUSH HIM AWAY! THINK OF ALL YOU STAND TO LOOSE!"  
"OH GOD PHIL WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND IT IF YOU GIVE IN!"  
"YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO LIVE WITH YOUR SELF IF YOU DO!"

But instead the only thing that escapes me is a deep longing moan as his right hand cups my left breast and he pushes his hips against me so I can feel something I've thought about over and over in my dreams and even recently in the arms of my man. "Open your eyes baby and face me." he says kissing my face, his left hand going to the rim of my pants and undoing the top button.

I swallow and breathe through my nose thinking that this is it. I've fallen down the rabbit hole.

The sister told me _the heart wants what it wants_ but she said that my mind is in control. Where is the damn control? Melting into him he raises his pelvis and slides down the zipper of my pants. Letting go of my breast his takes his right and slips it in my pants and grabs me gently between my legs as his tongue slides inside my ear. His breath heating up the nerves ending at the fold of my ear is the final assault.

I open my eyes and turn my face to look at him. He massages between my legs without taking his fingers inside and I'm grateful. I blink slowly at the pleasure of his touch and my reflexes drive me to part my legs slightly so he can get a better hold of my honey spot.

Looking into dark sapphire blue eyes I see everything and the pain and pleasure of having him near me after all these years seals my fate. I bring my face to his and raise my hands to give him the kiss I wanted the day he stepped through my door with me covered in flour. 

Sliding my tongue into his awaiting mouth I explore and taste him causing my eyes to roll back into my head. His fingers pull back the delicate fabric of my panties and he slips two of them inside me. I gasp from the surprise intrusion and lift my right leg around his left letting him know not to stop.

I keep screaming my head to no avail. Now having an out of body experience I step out myself. _the heart wants what it wants_ and it's the truth. God every cell in my body wants this and I can't stop myself.

Watching the scene from outside my body I hear me groaning and grunting under his now feverish and hard pressed kisses. I see my hips shake and rotate with see his sleeved hand inside my pants forcing me into an orgasm I've been awaiting since the day he returned.

I scream at myself:

"STOP IT DAMN YOU VAN! STOP IT!"  
"YOU ARE RISKING IT ALL!"  
"YOU WILL LOOSE HIM FOR SURE!"

But the stranger who looks and sounds like me ignores my pleas. I weep at my weakness and I mourn the lost of commitment to Phil. This is a betrayal pure and simple and I won't be able to live with myself. Seeing my hands now trying to free him from his belt I shake my head. Oh god girl have you just completely lost your mind. Then I hear it. HOPE…

"Hey is in body stuck in there?"

Opening my eyes I'm back in my body and the spell is broken. I push him away my pants down at my hips and the top two shirt buttons popped. "Yes! We're stuck please help us." I say buttoning my pants and tucking my shirt. Looking back he's breathing hard and staring at me. He winks and I feel so weak and stupid for letting him win. 

"Okay….opening it now."

Frantically I button my jacket and see him massaging the erectness from his penis. I can't look him in the face and when the doors open I bend down to grab my purse, briefcase and turn to flee. He grabs my arm forcefully pulling me back.

"I won't give up on us Van...we belong together and I will fight you every step of the way!" he says seductively in my ear his semi hard penis pressed against my hip. I bite my lip and snatch my arm away. "Just let me go John" I say sadly and rush out of the elevator.

Jacob the maintenance guy is standing there smiling nicely at me but I push pass him and hurry to the stairwell to get out of the basement. I run up them in my 3 inch heels not even mindful that I could break my neck. All I can do is get the hell out of here.

Coming out and rushing down the corridor my face is flushed with tears. I bump into Nora. God why now?

"Whoa Van where's the fire?"

Dropping my head so my hair falls to my face I laugh lightly "Sorry late for court" I say trying to escape.

She steps in front of me. "Hey are you okay?"  
"Fine" I say pushing pass her and down the corridor.  
"Van wait!" I hear her and now I break out into a run causing several officers to jump out of the hallway from the clicking of my heels and the desperation on my face. I'm reminded of how fast Tina Turner ran from that hotel that she shared with Ike in her heels and designer suit. My hair blowing behind me and the shocked looks on the faces of the people that I pass I know I must resemble her minus the bruises. They just don't know my bruises are there, there just on my heart.

Coming through the door I rush down the jailhouse steps onto the street. Hearing the noises of outside car horns, people talking, music from passing cars I welcome it all because it means I'm away from that place where I betrayed myself.

Running down the sidewalk my briefcase in my hand I slip my purse off my shoulder and fumble for my keys. Dropping them I curse myself stopping to pick them up with shaking hands. Pressing the keyless remote I almost run into the street at passing cars to get to the driver side. Jumping inside the soft smell of leather caramel coffee from my Starbucks cup sitting inside soothe me. Turning on the car I push the air condition to high and let the cool air blow out, forcefully hitting me in the face.

That's when my heart explodes and I burst into tears, deep soul wrenching tears. Screaming I lower my head to the steering wheel and cry.

I cry for what has happened to me in those few minutes alone with him. I want him back. Despite all the reasons I should keep away. Despite all the wonderful things I share with Phil everything in me wants him back. He's my man the only man for me flawed and all. I can't let him go.

Crying harder now I shake from the pain of this realization and my own despicable weakness. This isn't who I am…he himself said that I'm not needy that I'm strong. Then why the hell can't I fight him?

Hearing a tap on my window I jump and look up. I see the concerned face of Officer Cleveland and hit the remote button lowering it.

"My god Ms. Williamson are you okay?" he asked alarmed.  
I try to smile or at the very least stop my tears but I can't. "I….I…I…fine" I say  
He shakes his head. "Are you sure?"  
Nodding not able to say anymore I roll the window back up and pull from the curb forcing him to step into the street.

Driving I hear my phone ringing in my bag. I slip my hand to it and pull it out.  
**JOHN**.  
I see it's him and toss the phone back to the passenger seat. "Leave me alone.." I whimper trying to remain calm until I get home. Driving in a daze my phone rings constantly and I'm so numb I can't even hear it. Finally reaching my parking deck I wait patiently for the iron gate to move and allow me access.

Pulling around the garage I see my parking space and sigh relieved. Being home is a comfort. Parking I quickly gather my things. As I retrieve my phone I see he's called 12 times so far and the phone lights up in my hands again with him calling. Hitting the button I turn it off and force it inside.

Getting out my car I move as if in a trance and all I can recall now is turning the key in my lock….to caught up in my own personal drama to know how I got upstairs. Walking inside I drop everything after closing the door. I'm not even sure if I locked it as I shed my clothes heading to the shower.

Hearing the phone ring in my apartment I ignore it and by the time I reach the shower I am completely naked. Turning on the cold water and stepping in I wince as the feeling of ice crystals sliding down my body makes me shiver.

It also makes me awaken to what has happened to me. Breathing hard and standing under the large silver sprout I tilt my head back as my chest heaves up and down. Crying again with the water caressing my face and fingering my hair I think of him. Now I'm in it deep. Before this betrayal I believed it to be over, especially after his confession of using Natalie to keep me in turmoil and test my love. Placing both hands against the shower wall with my palms flat I lower my face and the water hits my back. Crying harder now I try to regain control.

Nothing works the colder the water gets the stronger my need for him becomes. I'm so torn that I even consider running away like he did. I'm so scared I consider denying it and lying to Phil. I'm so confused I consider calling him and finishing what we started in the elevator.

Shaking my head sadly I sigh and turn the water off. I'm not that woman. I'm stronger than this. Dammit McBain how could you do this to me! I hate you!

Stepping out the shower I grab Phil's thick robe not bothering to dry off. Smelling his after shave around the collar I smile and pull it close.

Walking to the mirror I look at my face…most of the makeup gone from the water and my hair wet and stuck wavily to the sides. Who is the woman staring at me? What is the new truth that I see burning in her almond brown eyes? Placing my hands on the edge of the sink I lower my face. I lost the battle and John won the war. Things can never go back to normal after this. 

Walking out of the bathroom I see my undergarments and clothes on the floor. I step over them too weak to clean up after myself. Rubbing the thick soft fold of my lovers robe I go to his favorite chair in my place and sit down pulling my wet legs underneath me.

The phone rings and rings and I ignore it. Closing my eyes I pray that god shows me the next step because right now I have no clue.


	11. Chapter 11

**Starting Over: Therapy Betrayal**

by tarskeewee08

3 Days Later

(John's POV)

It's been three days since our melt down in the elevator and she hasn't returned my calls. Sitting here with Sister Clancy she's ten minutes late and I think that I've really done it now. I pushed her too far. Why did I do that? Why can't I just let her come to me?

I know the reason why I was loosing her and desperation can make you do unwise things. I never intended to hurt her though. Cleve told me of her breakdown in her car. I drove to her place after calling a hundred times. I sat outside of it afraid to go to her.

What if she rejected me? What if I made it worse? I decided to give her some space but each minute I thought more and more of wanting her at my side. I thought of my desire to have her back. I fought against myself and resisted temptation to go to her office. This was driving me crazy. Looking down at my watch I saw she was now 11 minutes late and it was killing me.

Nora stormed into my office and read me the riot act. She found out we were stuck in the elevator and said she saw her running out of the station as if the devil himself was chasing her. She was so angry with me for breaking her friend the way I did I could say nothing in response. She called me a selfish pig and told me that if I hurt her she would make my life at the station a living hell. She even knocked my pencil holder off my desk.

Why did everyone think I was some kind of pariah that she needed protection from? Fuck it…I know why but dammit she loves me and I love her doesn't that count for anything. Sighing heavily and looking at my watch Sister Clancy looks up from her writing at me curious but saying nothing. Her rule for all sessions is 15 mutes. Evangeline had 3 minutes to appear before the session started, the nun closed her door to interruptions once it began and I wouldn't be able to convince her to let Van in. What was keeping her she was too late and Van was never late.

Sweating I close my eyes and say another prayer that the same god that stopped that elevator giving her to me would bring her to this session today. I'm dying to see her. Looking at my watch again she is 13 minutes late and the panic in me has me clenching and unclenching my fists. If she doesn't come then its over, I've lost her. Oh god please I won't survive loosing her again. Therapy be damn she's my hold to sanity.

The door opens and in she walks. She's wearing red and different shades of orange plaid skirt with chocolate knee boots and a red v neck cashmere sweater under her chocolate three quarter inch jacket. She breezes in out of breath and I immediately and welcomed by the sweet smell of her Channel perfume.

"I'm so sorry but court ran over..." she says rushing to her seat. I look at her amazed and she doesn't acknowledge me. I hadn't lost her….she came.

The sister smiles and looks at her. "It's okay, although I think John was in a state of panic as if you weren't coming."

She blushes and pushes her long mane behind her ear, her gold large circular hoop earring swinging lightly from her ear. I wait for her to glance at me but soon realize she is avoiding me again. I stare at her and remember the taste and feel of her. My heart swells with the familiar love I have pumping through my veins.

"Well today I'd like to discuss betrayal." Sister Clancy begins and my heart pumping with love stops beating as my chest tightens. I look at her as if she has spiders crawling over her face. Why would she choose betrayal today? Why would she take us there?

Sister Clancy smiles sweetly at me "John, lets start with the lie you kept and subsequent betrayal of trust in your relationship."

Swallowing hard I shake my head. "I don't think we need to discuss that sister…."  
"John this is not open for debate you know the drill, please tell me and Evangeline your reasons for betrayal."

I look at Evangeline and her face is contorted in pain. Her eyes glisten with tears that threaten to spill out and she sits with her hands folded tightly in her lap.

"When Christian Vega returned to Llanview I immediately took a dislike to him. Part of it was because Natalie Vega would no longer need me and my hold over her would be broken. The other part was he seemed different and angrier than I remembered. I knew he had been held hostage and that there were reasons for his attitude, especially with me and his wife being friends."

Stopping I look at Evangeline and her face has soften some but the pain is still in her eyes.

"Evangeline picked up on my attitude and I told her that I felt something wasn't right about him. She suspected that it was me trying to insinuate myself into Natalie's orbit and I don't know if that was true but it became a need for me to prove he was an imposter. His bouts of violence got increasingly worse and Evangeline eventually helped me collect DNA evidence to test. Before the test he killed a man and once the results were in he asked me to keep his identity secret."

The nun looked at me and spoke softly "Why did you choose to keep the secret?"  
"I told everyone it was because he asked me too"  
The nun nodded. "Okay so what is the truth?"

I look at her and think of the answer to that question. I shake my head and refuse to give a response.

"John, what's the truth!" the nun asks more sternly.  
"The truth is I hated him. I hated him for dieing and making me guilty enough to become his wife's resident hero. Then I hated him for returning and trying to take away my crown. I wanted him gone and I wanted her disconnected and needy. I needed her to be weak and pathetic because I was able to be more than human in her eyes. She questioned nothing. She expected nothing unlike Evangeline." I turn and look at her and regret with what I have to say.

"You constantly want truth and honesty. You constantly expect people to be strong and grounded with you. If I told you the secret you would've wanted Natalie to know. You would want it all in the open. Then where did that leave me! I would be just John."

She looks at the sister angrily "Can I speak?" Sister Clancy nods.

"How dare you sit here and lay this pathetic weak excuse at my feet. I'll tell you about betrayal. Here you are once again ruled by your own cowardice and trying to paint yourself as the resident hero of this town took liberties with my love and faith in you." She hissed.

"Betrayal is you knowingly misleading me to have her. I was the woman in your bed making love to you and holding you in the night. But that wasn't enough for you. Instead you drag me to your level and make me a liar and haborer of secrets so you can hump that juvenile's bones. Now you come back into my life with all your needs again. Needing me to need you, so I can become you and betray a innocent man that never did anything but love me. See John I've switched roles. In my relationship I'm you and Phil's blind trust and love is me. I'm doing to him what you did to me and it makes me sick. You make me sick!"

Her words are continuous blows to my heart and I shake my head to keep from crying. Looking back at her and seeing her disgust I swallow hard. "Van, I betrayed you but being with Phil is you betraying yourself. You aren't a victim here sweetie. You knew the day I showed up on your door step we had unresolved issues. You knew it and still clung to the lie that you live with in your heart. All I did was bring it to the surface and show you the truth"

"The truth! You wouldn't know the truth if it bit you on the….." she stops and looks at the nun apologetically. "You know nothing of the truth. The truth is I was happy and content."

I smile at her. "Content? Is that what you want from life, contentment?"

She sighs and sits back turning away from me. "I betrayed your trust with that secret. I betrayed your heart with my need for another woman. I betrayed our bond by taking that woman to bed. For all of that I'm sorry….so very sorry….eternally sorry. But sweetie I have never betrayed my love for you. It is as solid today as it was the day you serenaded me."

Sister Clancy clears her throat. "John, would you have ever told Natalie and Evangeline the truth on your own?"

Evangeline looks over at me wanting an answer and I decide on the truth. "No…"  
She sits up straight. "Exactly….you would have gone forward with the lie and probably married and had kids with her, leaving me to believe that my entire relationship was based on nothing."

"I can't say all of that Van, eventually me and Natalie would have parted ways. I tired of her and had nothing new that I wanted to explore with her. I wouldn't destroy the illusion she had of me being a prince but we were headed nowhere."

"Oh gee, that's comforting" she says sarcastically.

Sister Clancy writes in her folder and we sit in silence. Finally stopping she looks at Van. "When you discovered of his betrayal why did you keep his secret?" she asked  
"I beg your pardon?" she replied confused.  
"The secret. The man had lied to you and all over the woman that he tossed your heart aside for. Why would you keep his secret?"

"Its wasn't mine to tell, besides my client asked that I keep it."

Sister Clancy nodded. "But there is another reason isn't Evangeline….a reason that keeps you angry at him over this betrayal. He needs to hear it."

She looks at me and I'm surprised that Sister Clancy knows something about her that I don't. 

"I kept his secret because he needed me too. I wanted him to need me again. I needed him to need me." She said weakly.

The sister shook her head. "Do you still need him to need you? Is that why you agreed to these sessions? Is that why you came today despite whatever it is that has transpired between you two since our last visit?"

"I don't know…."  
"I think you do" the nun says.

She looks at the nun and I see her on the verge of a confession and fighting against her self to express it. "Yes, because even after all he has done to me all he has destroyed because of his selfishness I love him and I want to protect him. I need to be his protector even though he pushes me away. I only wanted him to be whole because I wanted him strong. But his weakness endeared him to me; it gave me a sense of control. Until it all blew up in my face."

I look at her surprised. All the things she said about us and our love are comforting and new to hear. She never told me this. I didn't know she wanted to protect me. God how I have wronged her and punished her because of my own damn needs. I want to tell her that.

"John what happened between you two…why does Evangeline say that you forced her into betrayal?" Sister Clancy asks fixing her cool gray eyes on me.

I swallow hard and Evangeline drops her gaze to her lap embarrassed by her weakness and what I'm about to tell the nun.

"We were trapped in an elevator and I pushed her into giving into the desires we have. We didn't have sex but if the maintenance man hadn't freed us when he did we would have."

Sister Clancy looked back and forth between the two of us, finally resting her eyes on Evangeline. "John has been pretty clear of his desires for you, why did you give into them Evangeline?"

"I don't know" she snaps quickly.  
"Evangeline, please you agreed to these sessions. I need you to be honest dear. Why did you give into them?"

She looks at me and her lip quivers "Because I wanted him to do it. I wanted him to force my hand so I can blame these damn feelings that haunt me on him."

The sister nods and I look at her shocked. "Really Van, you admit to feeling it too?"  
"I told you I did John! I just don't want to hurt him. I haven't seen him since that day, luckily he's away at a medical conference but he's coming home today. I came to this session to get some perspective but its not working and I don't know what to do"

She looks at the sister desperate. "Sister you said the heart wants what it wants. You said my mind could overrule it. Well it didn't! Now what do I do. Do I break a mans heart the way mine was broken. Do I become that selfish bastard!" she said pointing at me.

The sister allowed her slip of the tongue but stared at Evangeline expressionless. "Why do you feel that your mind wants you to be with Phil? I've listened to you and heard your questions and responses to John's truth. It appears to me your mind is dealing with the reasoning that your heart demands. You didn't plan on this Evangeline but fighting it is what makes you selfish. You have to be honest with Phil. Think about it, when was the first time you lied to yourself and Phil about John?"

She looks at me and sighs "After I fell asleep in his hotel room. Phil asked me if I was in love with him and I said no."

I try not to smile god I try not to gloat. But I am so happy now it has to be all over my face. The nun ignores me and stares at Evangeline.

"That's your betrayal, not what almost happened afterwards. The moment you knew that you still loved this man you should've been honest. Your mind found a way not too…your heart has been honest with you from day one."

Evangeline wrings her hands nervously and shakes her head. "I understand."

The sister looks at me. "What is it that you've learned in regards to your betrayal of trust for the woman that you love John?"

"I've learned that trust is the one thing you can't buy back with an apology. It's something I have to earn. She asked me not to step out of line with out new friendship and I broke her trust again. I knew if I pushed her I would force her hand and that's what I did. I'm so sorry for it. But I'm also sorry for destroying the tiny fabrics of trust we were weaving together. I can understand if she never trusts me again."

She looks up at me sadly. "I love you John…" 

I smile at her and get up surprised that the sister doesn't stop me. She gets up and comes into my arms. "I love you too baby and I want so desperately to give you all that you deserve. I didn't want to cause you more pain, I just need you Van, I need you like I need air."

She cries into my chest and I rub her back looking over her head I see the sister writing again with that silver and black pen. Evangeline finally releases her hold on me and smiles up at me. "I can't say where we go from here. I don't know if we can go anywhere from here. But I'm so glad I finally got to tell you what is in my heart."

I let her go and hold her hands. "Take baby steps if you need to, just don't shut me out."  
She nods in agreement.

Sister Clancy interrupts "Today's session is over. Evangeline going forward John will be going through a recovery process. Its exercises on how to relate and deal with his social issues. You don't have attended these, but I'd like to bring you back in several weeks after these exercises for feedback in any noted changes in him."

Evangeline agrees and rubs my back. She smiles at me and then retrieves her purse. Before she walks out she turns and looks back at me. "See you around"  
I wink at her. "Yes baby see you around"


	12. Chapter 12

**Starting Over: Phil's Heart**

by tarskeewee08

(Evangeline's POV)

I love my loft. The best part of it is the view of the Lantana Bay down by these docks. Standing at the large window I watch the cargo boats bringing freight to the dock and think of my life in Llanview. As small as this town is I have learned, loved and lost more than most in a lifetime.

When John left me I thought my ability to love again was over. Then a handsome doctor took an interest in my happiness and proceeded to give me a taste of romance and love free of doubt and pain. A love that made you stronger and supported your emotional growth in ways I thought wasn't possible.

Now I've betrayed that love. It's marred with my deceit and divided loyalties. I promised him I wouldn't hurt him. I swore that he was the man I wanted. I let him believe that I went with John to these sessions for closure and the truth is now staring me in the face. I went to these therapy sessions to find a way to love him again. I wanted a reason to forgive the pain between us and a way to bring him back into my life. The sister was right, it wasn't just my heart at fault it was my conscious mind.

He called from the airport and said he had a surprise for me. Every time he left town he brought me a surprise back and I always anxiously awaited his arrival to get my treat. Tonight though I would be the one delivering the surprise and it may change our lives forever. 

Looking into the street I see the cab pull up in the front of my loft and smile slightly. He gets out in his dark trench his honey colored skin looking invitingly smooth on his shaven head. Paying the cabby thats pulling out his luggage he laughs saying something witty as he picks up his bags and head to me. My sweet wonderful Phil. 

Hearing the buzz on the intercom I walk over slowly, hesitantly, sadly to buzz him in.  
"Guess who.."  
"Hey baby come on up" I say sweetly unlocking the door for him.

I walk away from the door and sit down inhaling patiently wanting to steal my nerves. The door swings open and he comes in with his suitcase smiling and anxiously seeking me out. Seeing me immediately he grins. "Hey baby!"  
I smile at him. "Hey baby"  
Dropping his luggage he shakes out of his coat. "Well why are you all the way over there. Get up and give your man what he's being dreaming about for the past 3 days."

I get up and sigh deeply walking into his arms. He searches my face for my mouth and slips his tongue in immediately both his hands squeezing my ass. I giggle at his excited desperate need to feel me up. Pressing me into him I feel him growing harder. Slipping his tongue out and to my ear he breathes heavily "I need to be inside of you now. Here right now." He says lowering me to the floor.

I push against him "Phil what's wrong with you?" I say laughing falling to the floor as he rips his suit jacket off, kissing my face and neck. "Come on baby..I've dreamt of your body the entire flight. Give me a quickie here and then we can…."

"Phil…stop!" I say pushing him away and moving from under him. I get up off the floor and he lays there looking up at me with a fake hurt look on his face. He makes me laugh and laughing is the last thing I want to do now.

Getting up from the floor he comes over to me and touches my face "I am so glad to see you Van. I got a surprise for you?"

I raise an eyebrow "Really? What?"  
He goes to his suitcase and pulls it to the sofa opening it. Going inside he pulls out a pink box with a white satin ribbon. Walking over to me he holds it out? I look at him surprised. "Phil what did you do?"

He grins at me. "I was on South Beach with colleagues and came across this. I had to get it for you."

I take the box and imagine what's inside. It's long, rectangular and flat and I know it must be jewelry. He always bought me sweet gifts. When he went to Santa Barbara he drove up to Nappa and bought me back a Whitehall Cabernet, while at his conference in New York he bought me back Tiffany's engraved watch saying that we had all the time in world, now this.

Taking off the bow I pull back the wrapping looking up at him. Underneath I find a black velvet box. Going to the table I drop the bow and wrapping then slowly open the box to gasp at what's inside. A platinum thin chain with a blind lady justice charm holding the scales of justice. It's the most beautiful thing I burst into tears.

Phil walks over concerned. "Van, baby don't cry!"  
I go into his arms holding the sweet gift and let go of the tears that I've been holding all day for the conversation we have to have.

He rubs my back and I cry more. Taking the box from my hand and placing it on the table he pulls me to the couch confused by downpour of tears. "Baby, what is it? Please…tell me what's wrong."

I fall into his chest and cry more. I just can't believe that I was unable to hold onto us. I can't believe that I am willing to walk away. I don't want to hurt him.

"Okay Van you're scaring me! Tell me what's wrong?"

I wipe at my tears and try to catch my breath. "Phil we need to talk" He's staring at me and I avoid his eyes.

Rising from the sofa I put a hand on my hip and begin to pace. It's the only thing I can think of to do to avoid his eyes. "I've been going to those sessions."  
"Yeah I know, you said they were helping him and helping you."  
"They are. You know how they go…how they make you open up and face things."

Phil sits back and looks at me with that doctor look processing my behavior and words. He knows what I'm going to say before I say it and it eats away at me.  
"You have feelings for him?" he said slowly.  
I stop and look at him. "I've learned things in these sessions that I have feelings I've refused to face."  
"Are you still in love with him?" he asked  
"Phil…."  
"You are!" he says his eyes growing wide. Standing up he walks over to me and I see the pain all over his face. "Van, are you saying that you want him back?"

Turning from him I suck my teeth "I haven't said much of anything yet because you keep interrupting me!"

I know he's suffering from my betrayal and I refuse to face him. "I can't deny that I have unresolved issues with the man Phil, good and bad. I can't deny that I never stopped loving him."

"I asked you Van what it meant when he showed up at your door. You told me that it was over between you two….no you assured me that you were over him!" he shouted.

I turn and face him seeing the tears rolling down his cheek. "Oh god Phil I didn't do this on purpose please.."  
"Van are you leaving me? Are you walking away from me to go to him?"  
"No, I'm not going to him. I'm just being honest with you. I'm in love with him."  
"And me? What are your feelings for me?"

I look into his eyes and see all his love for me and my heart splits in two. I know that I care for him deeply passionately and in the most profound way. But I'm not in love with him. "I care…"  
"You what! You care? Do you love me Van?" He says coming to me and grabbing my arms.  
"Phil please…" I say crying.  
"My god! He comes to town and our whole relationship becomes a lie?" he says emotionally wounded.   
"God no…baby no" I say grabbing his face. "I love you I do I'm just not in love with you!"

He pushes me away and steps back from me. Breathing heavily he rubs his head with his hand and turns from me. I walk over and grab his arm as he snatches back roughly walking away.

"Phil…listen, I just need time. I have to find out what my heart wants, please say you understand."

He turns back around and glares at me causing me to step back. "Understand! You just ripped out my heart. Don't get me wrong Van I knew you loved him when I got into this. But I also thought you weren't one of those weak women that clung to unhealthy relationships making excuses for the emotional abuse and calling it love!"

I look at him shocked "What? How could you say that to me?" I say stunned

"How? Let's see…the man is an emotional cripple. He's a narcissist and has commitment issues a mile long! You think a couple of sessions has healed him! Or do you want save him? Be his enabler!"

His words cut at my heart and the tears sting as they come down my face. "Stop it Phil…it's not like that! Don't reduce my love for John to some bullshit case study. Don't dismiss my feelings like that! What I feel for him is real."

"Bullshit! I read his file. People go through traumatic shit everyday Van but they don't implode like he did. The man could be in therapy for years and still not give you half of what you need!"

I shake my head sadly, he's twisting everything around. "Phil I think you should go!"  
"Do you? So just like that we're done? Already you want me gone?"

"I can't talk to you now." I say weakly, he has a way of tearing down my resistance with his logic and reason, feeding into my fears. I know that John is far from perfect or healed but neither am I. There's nothing wrong with being flawed its what makes us human.

Phil grabs his suit jacket off the floor and puts it on. Crying now I back away to the kitchen counter and lean against it watching him collect his things. He puts on his trench and grabs his bag. I go to the table for his gift and he shakes his head no.

"Keep it Evangeline, I want you to have it. I hope you find the happiness you deserve. I didn't mean to hurt you, it just hurts real bad loosing you to him. But let's be honest I never really had you did I?" 

I look at him and remain silent. I can't speak and my tears have my vision blurred with pain. He shakes his head and goes to the door slamming out. I slowly go to the floor and put my head in my knees crying harder now. I cry for hurting the one man that has been so careful with my heart. I failed him and I may have failed myself. 

Picking myself up off the floor I walk to my bedroom and fall upon the bed. I realize I'm still holding the necklace box that I tried to give back to him. Opening it I cry and finger the delicate necklace. He was right I destroyed our chance on a hope that I can have something with John. Curling up I close my eyes and cry myself to sleep.

3 am that morning

Hearing bells I moan and curl into a tighter ball on my bed. The ringing gets louder and I open my eyes and focus on the dark room. The ringing is above my head and I realize it's the phone. Pulling myself up I reach for it. 

"Hello"  
"Van?"  
"Yes…" I say trying to catch the voice.  
"I'm sorry."

Sitting up I realize its Phil. "Phil…?"  
"Yeah baby it's me. I wanted to call you and apologize for the way I left things with you today."  
"I understand you were hurt."  
"That doesn't give me license to insult you the way I did. It's not who I am. It's not who we are."  
I smile at his apology and fall back on my pillow. "I don't want to loose you as my friend. You are my best friend Phil no matter what that won't change."  
"And you mines" he says and I can hear a smile in his voice.  
"I don't know what will happen with me and John…"  
"I hope what you want happens. That he loves you and treats you the way you deserve."  
"Thanks Phil"  
"Promise to call me and come to see me. I know we are putting the breaks on our relationship but I don't want to be completely disconnected from you. I don't think my heart can take it."  
"Of course Phil…"

We sit on the phone in silence for minutes. "Okay well good night."  
"Good morning you mean" I say laughing  
He laughs "Good morning" he says then hangs up.

I put the phone back on the base and slide back down my pillow grateful that he hadn't abandoned me. I may not deserve his friendship and love but god how I want it. Drifting back to sleep I think of the two men in my life and I wonder who really is the one that's capable of bringing me true happiness. The answer lingers in my subconscious mind and I feel it….soon I will know it.


	13. Chapter 13

**Starting Over: Choose Me**

by tarskeewee08

(John's POV)

Walking to her door I stand outside of it hesitant to knock. Her assistant Mary is away from her desk and I'm unsure of what business Evangeline may be conducting now. It's been two days since she told me she loved me. I know she must have told Phil what was going on and I've waited patiently for her to call me at the station or hotel, but got nothing.

What's going on with her? Is she pushing me away? Is she avoiding me? Has our relationship changed?

Knocking I hear the soft melodic sound of her voice beckoning for me to enter. Sighing, I touch the cool steel of the doorknob and turn it slowly pushing the door open. She has her head down writing frantically in a folder and he hairs is hanging low preventing my view of her face. She looks up smiling and her eyes widen. "John?"

Closing the door I smile and stand in front of her. I love seeing her in her element and I can't help but be drawn in by her presence. "John I wasn't expecting you" she says closing her file and looking at me curious.

"I know, but it's a beautiful day and I was wondering if you had lunch?" I ask encouraged by her warm greeting even though it lacked the intimacy I had hoped to hear in her voice and see in her eyes.

She sits back in her chair eyeing me curiously "It's 40 degrees out side. That's pretty cold wouldn't you say?"

I laugh "You're a warm blooded creature remember?"  
She nods "Touché"   
"Well, how about Capricorn, my treat?"  
She smiles. "I really have a lot of work to do."  
"What about dinner?" I ask hopeful.

She laughs softly and pushes from behind her desk. "What is the visit about John?"  
I watch her approach and swallow my insecurities. I stand firm in my resolve to have her again looking her dead in the eyes. "I haven't heard from you Van since our last session. I want to reconnect."

She folds her arms and tilts her head. "Reconnect hunh?"  
"Did you tell Phil of your feelings for me?" I ask point blank  
"I don't see how that's your business." she says challengingly.  
I frown at her. "Why wouldn't it be my business I want a life with you?"

She shakes her head. "John is that really possible? I mean with everything that's happened between us?"

"Of course it is…" I say taking a step toward her.  
"We've learned a lot these past weeks in therapy John."  
"I agree….and the most important thing we learned is that we love each other."  
"That's true….but we also learned the things that make it difficult for us to be there for each other." she says sitting on her desk and crossing her long legs.

I look at her and frown. Where is that coming from? "The lies are out Van…there are no secrets between us. I stand before you now completely open and ready to love you."

She looks in my eyes and I see sadness which makes my heart ache. I know I'm not going to like what she says. Putting my hands in my pockets I search her face for hope that she isn't abandoning hope. I see something else and to be honest I don't understand it.

"John….you basically told me that my need for perfection, honesty and independence made you feel unwanted, that the women in your life including Caitlyn made room for you to be their hero. Now I understand that the unhealthy part of this need is being addressed in therapy. I get that. There is however, a separate part of you that wants to feel empowered in your relationships. Apparently you don't get that with me."

"That's not true. I feel loved, secure and stronger when I'm with you Van. It was my desire to have you again that made me seek out therapy. I love you."

She smiles lightly "Oh baby I know you do. I feel that John…to be honest I felt it when we weren't together. My point is that it just may not be enough."

"Why are you doing this!" I snap angrily.  
"Doing what?"  
"Fighting us….finding reasons not to be with me? Is it Phil? Did he plant this in your head? Do you really think that I want you to be a victim unable to stand on your own for me to feel secure in a relationship with you? Please Van that's bullshit!"

She unfolds her arms and places them on either side of her onto the desk. "John, I'm just trying to be honest and share with you the reality of our love. I don't think loving each other is enough anymore. It will take a commitment on both our parts to be healthy and whole. But if we interpret our needs differently we may never get to where we need to be to experience something great and powerful that forms this bond we share."

I don't want her talking anymore I want her in my arms. Walking to her I pull her from her desk to me. Thank god she doesn't resist. "Do you love me?"

"Yes" she said looking up at me.  
"Well then that's all we need, because I love you and only you. I will move heaven and earth to hold on to you."  
She puts her arms around my neck and presses her body against mine. "I will always love you John. You're in my blood baby. I just don't know if loving you is what's best for me." 

Before I can respond she lifts on her toes in her heels and kisses me. I accept the kiss but I'm so confused by her method. Is she mine? Is she trying to find her way back to me? What does all this mean?

Kissing her and running my hand down her back while cupping her ass I push her into me deeply and moan at the feeling of her manicured hands running through my hair. Her kiss becomes stronger and I know from the way she rubs her breast against my chest that she's not abandoning us. How could she abandon passion like this?

Finally pulling back she smiles at me seductively. "I won't have dinner with you. As a matter of fact I won't see you at all until your therapy is complete."

I step back from her stunned. "Are you serious? Why Van?" I ask hurt.

She smiles and reaches toward me to touch my face. "Because I am who I am John. I want a man that's not threatened by my independence. I want a man that stands on his own for validation and doesn't look for approval from others as a sign that he's accepted."

She drops her hand and hugs herself and I stare into her eyes seeing the sincerity and serious conviction that lies behind her words

"I want a man that's not so easily distracted by the damsels in distress and prioritizes my needs. You baby, have to find out if that's who you are. Or better yet if that's who you want to be. Finish therapy and dig deep to find out what you want out of life. Loving me is one thing but being with me is another John. You said it wasn't enough before and that very well could have been because of your demons, but it also could have been because of your own preferences."

"That's bullshit! I know what I want!"

"Do you? Because if you do then I'll walk out this door right now with you John, right now! If you can tell me that you don't need me to be less independent or less strong. That you aren't threatened by need for perfection and strength in my mate I'm yours."

Standing in front of her I hear what she's saying but it hurts real bad. I had a lot of time to dig at the roots of my problems, some of them were because of my demons but some weren't. I think that opposites attract and that we are strong because of our differences. But I also realize that her independence and confidence were qualities I both admired and envied. I found it hard to reconcile my own chauvinistic needs for her to be submissive and subservient to me.

Can I take her as is? Do I want her that way? Or is the truth right at the surface. Am I trying to bend her and change her into what I think she should be to be in my life?

God I love her. I mean look at her how could you not. I can't loose her and I won't give her up, but to have her I have to show her that we belong together differences and all.

"Van I'm not going to stand in front of you and say that I can accept every facet of your personality. That I don't sometimes wish that you would just let me lead. But you can't stand there and say that you accept everything about me. See the way I look at it is love is that secret ingredient that will make this mixture of emotions, desires, differences, similarities gel. It's our key to succeeding Van and we have to hold onto that to obtain the bigger goal."

"What's that John? What's our ultimate goal?"

I smile at her and move into her space. "To be one. To finally be that missing piece that the other needs to feel whole again. Step out on faith with me baby. Take a chance that even though we are different and flawed our love will sustain us. Take a chance that even though the odds are against us overcoming all the obstacles that our personal prejudices on who is a perfect mate has placed in our path, we belong together. Just stop over analyzing it Evangeline and risk it all with me."

She lowers her head confused and afraid and I understand that. She has been on an emotional rollercoaster with me. The highs outweigh the lows in my opinion and I think she needs to focus on that. Finally raising her head again her eyes glisten with tears and she searches my face for the truth, something tangible she can hold onto. Something that guarantees her heart won't be ripped from her chest again.

"I love you John."  
I nod at her. "I know baby."  
"I want you with me. I mean I want us to be together, but I'm just scared."  
"Me too Van….me too."  
"Maybe you should finish therapy first." She says still hiding from me.

I walk to her and grab her head kissing her forehead. "I'm going to the Palace. I'm in room 1543. I'll wait for you tonight Van. It's up to you. I can see 100 doctors on a 100 different days and the end result would be the same. I want you and only you Van."

Letting her go I walk toward the door. Placing my hand on the knob I don't look back at her as I speak because I might loose the courage in what I am about to say.

"If you decide that our love is worth fighting for. Problems and all then come to me tonight and let's start again. If you don't come Van, I'll let you go. I won't call or find excuses to come around anymore. I'll let you go find a man free of demons and doubts. I love you that much" my voice cracked at the end and I turned the knob to the door walking through before she said anything further.

My heart in my throat I close the door refusing to look back. Scared I'd loose my nerve and run to her falling on my knees begging that she choose me again. That she walk away from all her valid reasoning and just be mine.

Before if you asked me what I believed the outcome would be for us, I would say with a 100 certainty that we were the endgame. Now with secrets and pain as part of our history I'm not so sure anymore.

Walking to the elevator with my hands in my pockets I recall the make out sessions in her office and elevator. I remember the feeling of waking up to her in my bed or in my kitchen burning eggs.

I can hear her laughter as she runs around my old place with a camera trying to take my picture as I chase her. I feel her hands stroking my chest and she wraps her long legs around mine and drift to sleep in my arms.

She's it for me and I will never love another woman like I loved her. In knowing that I want what's best for her. If that's her being with someone else so be it. I can't force her to see what I see. I won't force her.

Pressing the button to the elevator I see the doors open and immediately step in. As they close on me I say another silent prayer that our love brings her back to me but this time I amend it. If she chooses to walk away I pray that I survive the loss of her. Because to be honest I don't think I will.


	14. Chapter 14

**Starting Over: Starting Over**

by tarskeewee08

"Hey Nora" I say opening the door and smiling at my friend. After John left I spent the rest of the day trying to concentrate on my mountain of paperwork. Needless to say I failed miserably. Around 6pm I walked out of my office hearing his words play over and over in my head. 

_  
"If you decide that our love is worth fighting for. Problems and all then come to me tonight and let's start again. If you don't come Van, I'll let you go. I won't call or find excuses to come around anymore. I'll let you go find a man free of demons and doubts. I love you that much"_

Now it's up to me and I don't know if I can make this decision. I called Nora and she told me she was heading home for the day. I asked that she come to my house instead. I need my friend.

Holding the door I watch her walk in with her mother hen frown on. "Vange you okay baby?" she asked going to my sofa and throwing my purse down.

"I got a problem Nora and I need your help figuring it out." I say closing the door and sighing.

"Okay….problem? That means John. So what has he done now? What happened in that elevator? I was so worried about you and you haven't been returning my phone calls."

I look at her and smile softly "I'm sorry but I wasn't ready to talk to anyone. I had to deal with Phil first."  
"Phil? How is he?"  
"He's gone" I say looking her in the eye and holding back my urge to cry. It kills me to think of how I hurt him. I know what its like to loose a lover to another and Phil doesn't deserve that kind of pain.

Nora walks over to me and rubs my shoulders. "Start at the beginning…" 

I walk away and sit down on the sofa and she follows. Telling her all that has transpired in the past week between me, John and Phil has a soothing effect to my pain. I haven't been able to talk to anyone other than the two men that are pulling me apart.

I tell her Phil's accusations of me being weak and John's pleas for me to step out on faith. Nora listens not interrupting and I see her roll her eyes several times. I know she thinks that Phil was my shot at happiness, but I can't invest in something my heart doesn't feel. However, I am unable at this moment to invest in someone my heart is terrified to trust.

"Evangeline, what's the main reason you are fighting this with John?"  
Surprised by her question I look at her and frown. "I told you getting my heart broken again."

Nora takes my hand and rubs it with hers "I love you, but you have to stop this Van."  
"Stop what?"  
"Lying to yourself, hiding from the truth. You are smarter than this."   
Now I'm really confused. "I don't understand what you are getting at."

"You want a way out of this because you are scared that this may actually be the one shot at real happiness. If you finally accept the man flaws and all, there are no more battles except the ones you forge together. It will be on you to move forward with love, family even marriage and that terrifies you."

"Nora, have you been listening? The man thinks I'm too demanding he's asking that I change. I won't change who I am for him to love me!" 

"Van, you know I think that you and Phil were great together. Hell I think he may have been able to make you happy. With saying all of that we both know he wasn't John. No man can be to you what John is."

I look at her confused by her endorsement. She was anti-John after my last heartbreak, now her attitude has me confused. She sees my reaction and kisses my forehead. "I have to be honest, this thing with John is what you want more than anything and all I see is you fighting to find excuses to push him away. According to you…your words not mine, the man has pulled himself inside out to reveal his insecurities. Well a person rarely has that insight into their mate. This is a fresh start sweetie. You could start all over!"

"What if I don't want to start over!" I shout surprised by my outburst. "Too much has happened and I am tired of it Nora! I want to be free of this hold he has on me! Besides I don't believe him when he says he won't hurt me!"

"Van, I think you're wrong. I think you do believe John but you don't believe in your ability to be strong with him. You won't let go of this need to be in control. What John offers is chaos…but it's your chaos. You are a woman enough and in love enough to survive it. Hell the bond that you share with him will make you thrive in it."

"It's too late. I can't ride this emotional rollercoaster with him anymore. It's too exhausting and I'm tired."

Nora puts her arm around my shoulder "Then you have your answer. If you want to be free of him, then move on. There is no further debate. Let him go Van and pickup the pieces of your heart."

I listen to her and I know she is telling the truth. I have my answer and god knows it wasn't the answer that I wanted. "Thanks Nora" I say leaning on her shoulder.

She says nothing and we listen to the rain that pours outside. It falls with the same intensity as my tears. I let my friend hold me as I let go of the man that I thought was my soul mate and adjust to the idea that we are not meant to be.

(John's POV)

Sitting in the dark I listen to the storm outside of my window. I've sat in the same spot for hours waiting for her. Willing her to come to me. The clock says 9:45pm and each time a minute rolls by my heart aches more. Why did I tell her that tonight was the night for her final decision? Of course I should have given her more time. You don't place a time limit on the love we share. 

I am such a fucking idiot. Now what? She doesn't show and I'm supposed to keep my bargain and let her go! How in the hell am I going to do that? I can't loose her not now not when I know so clearly what I want. She told me to be honest with her and she would be there. Well granted it took me two years later but I was honest dammit.

Reaching for the phone I call room service and order a burger and three beers. I can't leave my room. I can't move it hurts too much. Hanging up I look at the phone. Maybe I should call her and ask her if she's coming. I mean its 9:55 now the night isn't over. Plus its raining outside she could be delayed.

That's what it is she's stuck at home not wanting to drive in the storm. Reaching for the phone my hand stops and I clench it into a fist. I want her back but Sister Clancy was right. It's no longer about me and my wants. It's about us. If she thinks that she's had enough I have to find a way to accept that. I have to find a way to let go. 

Sitting back I stare at the clock and watch the time roll by each minute passes to the next and I am beginning to accept that love sometimes isn't enough. Thinking about her and the moments we shared I smile. I will never forget what she taught me. I'm a better man because of it. Damn this will be hard.

Hearing the knock at the door I look at it hopeful and call out "Who is it?"   
"Room Service" a man responds.

I shake my head disappointed and contemplate not answering it. What's the point I can't eat sleep or drink now. The knock becomes more persistent and I grimace at the intrusion slowly rising from my seat. Slinging the door open the waiter with my food smiles and hands me my bill to sign. I frown at him not pulling the cart in but sign it anyway. Handing it back to him I'm suddenly surprised by the person who steps into my view. Next to the tray is my lady smiling in a raincoat and heels. I stare at her stunned as she puts her hands on her hips expectantly.

"The way I see it you owe me some damn happiness McBain….besides you know I hate to sleep alone when it's raining outside."

I step back as she pushes the cart of food and drinks in pass me. Closing the door I watch her and I still can't find my voice. I mean I thought….no I prayed that she would choose us but maybe I really didn't believe it.

She stands before me in her rain coat covered in large droplets from the storm outside. Her hair flat and damp against her head and her hands on her hips she looks like the temptress I know her to be.

Walking into the dark suite I wish that I had the lights on so I could see her face more clearly but her hold on me only allows me to approach with my hands in my pocket.

"Does this mean that you want us? That you want me." I ask cautiously

She smiles sexily and undoes the wide belt holding her knee length black Burberry raincoat closed. I watch as it falls open to reveal her red lacy bra and panties. She drops the coat from her shoulders and walks to me. "I got it bad John. Doesn't matter what my mind says my heart wants what it wants."

She's in my arms before I know it and I immediately give into the kiss that I've been wanting since our last one. She taste so sweet and I know its just my obsession with her that makes me crave every part of her body. Running my hands down her back as we kiss I can't believe that she's mine again. I know there's still work to come for us but I'm willing to do anything to make her happy.

She lets go of our embrace and takes me by the hand to my bed, climbing onto it with her I lay my head on her breast as she holds me in her arms. I listen to her heart beat as she strokes my hair. It's been a long road to this moment and I'm so very tired.

Tired of fighting demons that almost destroyed me, tired of running from love and true intimacy, tired of not having enough faith in my own ability to be happy and make the one woman that I loved the most miserable in the process. I 'm tired of it all.

"John…"  
"Yes" I say wrapping my arms around her waist and snuggling her close.  
"You haven't said much" she says softly.  
"I don't want to mess it up. I'm so scared that at any moment you could change your mind and leave me. I just want to lay here and be with you."  
She laughs lightly "Baby I'm not going anywhere."

I raise my head from her chest and look up into her face. "Are you sure? You had so many reasons why you weren't willing to come back to me Van." 

"And none of them outweighed my number one reason for choosing us."  
I look into her eyes in the darkness and see her warmth and forgiveness "What's that?"  
"Well….I sat in my place and watched the rain and said goodbye to us. I actually got up to call you and tell you that I wouldn't be coming. Then it hit me."

Rising up on my elbow I hovered over her and she touched my face gently. "What hit you? What changed your mind?" 

"I don't need perfection, I don't need contentment. I need my man back plain and simple. I see you John, all of you and I love every flaw that's laced with good intentions and a extremely large heart. I could never let you go, my heart wouldn't allow it."

"So are we starting over? Is this a new beginning?" I ask grinning down at her.

"I don't want to start over. I want to continue on this path of discovery and honesty. I want to remember how hard you had to fight to come back tome. I want to celebrate our success in overcoming your ghosts, Natalie, secrets, lies and deceit. We beat it all baby. You beat it all!"

I run my fingers through her wet hair then touch her face. "I love you Van and I'm so sorry I didn't tell you that for so long, I plan to say it everyday going forward. There will never be a moment that you don't feel and understand my love for you"

She pulls me to her face and we kiss again. Rolling on top of her she parts her legs and I press my desire into her through my pants. Grinding against her my need for her now has become animalistic and I press her further into the bed, not paying to the way that I'm overcoming her and she doesn't flinch but pulls at my shirt trying to remove it from me.

I rise up and pull the shirt over my head as she reaches for my belt, desperate to have her I push her hands away and pull at my pants releasing myself and kicking them off. Kissing the inside of her neck I reach down for her panties and pull at them while she lifts her hips underneath me to help me pull them free.

Pulling down the strap of her bra I kiss her shoulder. Sliding my hand down I caress her breast pull it free from the cup of her bra. I don't have the patience to remove the bra and once her nipple is erect from being twirled in between my fingers, I take it into my mouth. God how could I forget how her delicious she taste, how could I have ever walked away?

Placing my hand between her legs I stroke her using my thumb to massage her love button while slipping my other two fingers inside her. She digs her nails into my back as I increase my method she cries out in ecstasy. 

I want to go slow I really do. I mean I've thought about this moment for years. I envisioned a 100 ways to seduce her and then make love to her again. But my need for her now is making me crazy with desire. I can't wait another minute. I hear her calling my name at the way I'm teasing her by pulling my fingers in and out of her wet with her desire for me.

Kissing her lips softly I silence her cries and guide myself into her. Her warmth and tightness makes me shiver as the head of my penis pushes through. Driving deeper into her I groan and bite down on my lip unable to comprehend the extreme since of relief that washes over me.

This is where I belong, this feels so right. Burying my face in her hair I smell her scent and chew on my bottom lip again while rotating my hips trying to get further and further inside of her. I want to disappear in her. Pushing her long legs back I rise up and look into her face while making love to her. She's moaning and her eyes are closed but seeing the confirmation that she feels it too makes me more determined to drive her over the edge with me.

I keep up the pace that her body demands as I feel my urge to let go over powering my senses. Finding it hard to breathe I wheeze and try to focus but the pounding of my heart threatening to escape my ribcage is making me weaker with every thrust.

"I love you" I manage to moan and she opens her eyes and looks in my face. That seductive smile of hers creeps on her face as she watches me loose control. Matching my rhythm and reaching for me she whispers "Oh god John I love you too."

That was it. We both let go of the pain and hurt, love and desire we have with each other and the surrender is so so sweet.


	15. Chapter 15

**Starting Over: Therapy Closure**

by tarskeewee08

(Evangeline's POV)

"Evangeline, I'm glad you could come today" Sister Clancy says smiling approvingly at me.

"Thank you sister. Today is an important day for John and I wouldn't miss it for the world" I say then reaching for his hand.

He looks at me proud and confident and squeezes my hand. The Sister stares at us sitting before her united in our love and determined to survive it all.

"Well I know you haven't been with us Evangeline but John has spoken quite a bit about you these pass months. He was actually insistent that you come today to hear my report on his progress."

I smile. "It doesn't matter if he's released from your therapy Sister or given instruction to attend for another 3 months, we are so much more devoted to each other than the last time I was here."

"Really?" the Sister says looking at me curious "What's the source of the devotion?"

I let go of his hand and clasped both of mine in my lap. "Its raw for us still Sister…some days I find myself slipping into the habit of control and discipline with him and other days he struggles to reveal what troubles him and communicate his needs to me."

I look over at him and wink "But each day we remain devoted to overcoming it all together. Each day that devotion makes our love so powerfully fulfilling that I have to remind myself that it's ours. That we've made it."

Sister Clancy remains quiet looking at me. She's a nun what does she know about the passion a woman feels. Especially the passion that this man awakens in me when he whispers in that deep voice while I'm in his arms of his love for me.

She turns to John with her stoic face "John are you devoted to her?"

John looks at me and smiles "I'm devoted to Evangeline. But I'm also devoted to myself. The more I focus on my needs and reconcile my own feeling of self worthlessness the more devoted I become to what he have. She's with me demons and all and she loves me still. She's trying to be my partner and I see her struggle with her on independent values and expectations, but I also see extreme patience and love that keeps her with me."

"So was therapy all about winning her back John?" Sister Clancy asks and we both look at her.

John sits silent for a moment and I watch the exchange between them. Sister Clancy has always been clear that John's path to redemption was a solo one. She never approved of me tagging along and probably only agreed to the safety net sessions to force him to face his issues. He rubs his jaw still searching for a response. I look at the sister who looks at me and I don't see judgment in her eyes. I see contempt. But why?

"Yes, I started therapy to get her back. I checked my self out of that institution the minute I went off my meds to come for her. I pulled her into these sessions to expose myself to her for the sole purpose of having her again. But after all of that I still wanted to be whole. If she had decided that night that she wouldn't allow me back into her heart I would have let her go and still completed my therapy. Because through loving her I've found a way to love myself. That was her gift to me. That's the success story here Sister. My heart is not some case study for you to analyze. Its flesh and blood and beats with love for this woman. I am happy to have her back. I'm happy to have me back."

The sister smiles slightly "Well I think that you have accomplished a lot. I don't necessarily agree that you two are a healthy match. I think she remains to be your crutch and you are not emotionally grounded to handle things if they fail with her again."

That's it. I am sick to death of this nun and her self righteousness. "With all do respect sister but who are you to make that call? Do you know anything on the matters of the heart when it comes to a man and a woman?"

The nun narrows her eyes on me and I know I have gone too far, but I won't have her dismissing my relationship this way. We are stronger together; there is nothing sick, weak or unhealthy about our love.

"Evangeline my love affair is with the lord. I love him as deeply and passionately as you love John. But my love is grounded in a mutual respect and profound sense of understanding what the commitment of my vows entail. I am not trying to sit in judgment of you two. John is my priority and although I will admit he has healed himself and is doing well, I am disturbed by his method. If you two don't make it you may pick up with your life and move on…but for John you are his life. I'm not sure what a loss like that would mean to him."

I look at John who is red with anger. He doesn't like the nun dismantling what we've built. I reach across and take his hand. "If you knew me sister you would diagnose me with the same affliction. If this man leaves me I won't survive it. Some may see that as unhealthy but I don't." I say confidently staring her now in the eye.

"In a lifetime you may if lucky meet your soul mate, the other half of you that walks this earth breathing and surviving oblivious to your connection. If you meet him/her it changes you forever and nothing, or anyone can cure you of it. I found him and he found me. Call us what you will flawed and complicated as we are, we are apart of each other and neither of us will loose sight of that again."

The sister sighs and says nothing. John looks at me and smiles "Sister Clancy I think me and Evangeline are done."

Sister Clancy nods "John, I would like to continue your sessions at least once a month to check on your progress. As for now I'm releasing you from my care. I think it's clear that you have found your way." 

"Thank you sister but I won't be returning. I think we've accomplished all need to accomplish here. The rest is up to me and I can do it" he says standing and reaching his hand out to me.

I smile at him and rise. Sister Clancy watches us intensely. "Thank you Sister Clancy, unknowingly you have made us stronger than ever and I will be forever grateful for that."

Sister Clancy nods at me and smiles. I take John's hand and walk out with him into the hall. He wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me close as we head to the elevator. "Are we okay?" he asked still concerned over the nun's words

"We're perfect" I say rubbing his back heading to the elevator.

Life is good and we will take it all one day at a time. Stepping into the elevator with him I keep my arm around his waist and lean into his chest waiting for us to exit. I'm so glad that he came back to town. I'm grateful he came back to me. But most of all I'm grateful to Sister Clancy and these therapy sessions. We have closure even though she doesn't recognize it. She helped us accept our painful past and continue on the path of self discovery. Nothing can tear us apart again.


	16. Chapter 16

**Starting Over: Epilogue**

by tarskeewee08

(John's POV)

One Year Later

Sitting on the train I watch as we enter the city. I'm so excited to see my baby I can't contain myself. She's been up here in Manhattan for 6 weeks working on a case and it's been killing me. I took off two weeks to join her; this will be the last time she leaves my side like this. I swear I can't handle it.

A lot has changed in a year. We now own a place together and have even discussed leaving Llanview and moving to New York. She's taken a couple of referrals from her friend out of the big apple and she's falling in love with the city. I will admit when she first left me for these business trips I battled bouts of anxiety. I didn't tell her but the separation although brief made me desperate in some ways to be reassured she would return.

I prayed that she wouldn't be in the city and meet some successful attorney to sweep her off her feet and pull her into a world I couldn't provide. Instead of brooding over it, I went and talked it out with my brother, shared my fears and doubts with someone that cared about me and gained perspective. I'm only human after all and I love her so much.

As the conductor announced my stop, I sat up ready to race off the train to my lady love. Debarking with the other pushy passengers I come off the train and looked for her in the crowd of unfriendly New Yorkers pushing to their own destinations.

Placing my hands in my pockets I walk slowly through the crowd trying to see her familiar smile or the toss of her silky black hair as she seeks me out.

"John!"  
Hearing her voice I turn to see her delicate hand waving in the air the rest of her drowned by the sea of people pushing around her. Walking back my smile is so wide I know I must look like some teenager with his first crush. "Evangeline!" I say pushing my way to her. People frown at me as I shove pass them. I've lost sight of her and the feeling of suffocation overwhelms me. "Evangeline!" I cry out trying to recall where I saw her last.

"Right here baby" she says tapping me on the shoulder. Turning around I see her smiling sexily at me. I scoop her in my arms and squeeze her tightly. God it's good to hold her again. I feel her hitting me on my back. "John you're squeezing me too tight."

I laugh and let her go and people shoot us annoyed looks because we're standing in the middle of the walkway. "I have missed you!" I say excitedly. She makes me breathless.

She touches my face "It's only been 6 weeks."  
"It feels like 6 years" I say.  
She laughs. "Come on"  
Pulling me through the station we come outside into the busy rush of New York I hold onto her hand somewhat afraid of what I am about to do. I'd started seeing Sister Clancy in the last several months to deal with my anxieties and Evangeline was supportive. It wasn't a good idea to cut off my therapy the way I did and we both realize that now.

I thought therapy meant I was unable to move forward. That's not what Sister Clancy was trying to reveal. She wanted my final session and my progression to be centered on me. My love for Evangeline and joy of having her back caused me to fall into my old habits and push away the help the nun offered thinking I can do it on my own.

Evangeline's love for me and desire to have me again made her willing to accept my refusal to continue therapy so she can work to fix me. We both were guilty of missing Sister Clancy's message and we both know that now.

I told her of my plans to propose on this trip and surprisingly the nun was supportive. She still felt that I would need to be more independent emotionally to have a complete relationship with my lady but she encouraged me to follow my heart. She said a solid commitment is what I needed and since she wasn't to keen on us living in sin I'm sure her professional opinion didn't outweigh her spiritual one.

Evangeline grabs a cab and I ask her if we can go to Central Park.. She frowns and mentions my luggage. I told her I can pull it with me I want to go somewhere different and special with her. She agrees and we settle into the ride. I want to propose to her as soon as possible. I thought about an intimate private setting but my anxious need to confess my love to her is overwhelming.

We arrive at the park and I get my luggage. She waits patiently for me and as soon as I'm ready I hold her hand and walk into the park. She tells me about her case and how she thinks that the DA will accept her plea bargain. We talk about my work and the mundane routine I've fallen in. Pulling my suitcase behind me we pass joggers and bikers and I marvel at how wondrous this park is in such a cold hard city. If she wants to live here I'll do it. Plenty of crimes in this city for a cop like me.

She laughs about my late night phone calls demanding she come back. I bite my lip refusing to tell her that actually those calls weren't all jokes. I hated it when she was gone.

I think about what Sister Clancy said about my using her as a crutch and it remains one of my biggest fears.

"John? What's wrong baby?" she asked sitting down on a bench.  
I take a seat next to her letting go of the handle on my suitcase. "I'm just happy to see you"  
"Tell me John, something's wrong…is it my being here these past weeks?"  
I look up at young woman jogging with her Labrador and sigh. "I guess I've been battling my fears again. These trips are coming more frequent and we spend so much time separated."

She looks ahead and nods. "I know and I've been thinking about that. My career is important to me, but not at the expense of us. I will refocus my attention where it belongs." She says smiling at me.

I shake my head "No baby, that's not the solution. I don't want you to change your dreams for me. Your practice is doing what it should. I'm proud of you." I say fingering the ring box in my pocket.

"I think relocating here for you to follow them is a good idea. I think it'll be a change of pace for us both"

She laughs "You are willing to move to New York for me?"  
I laugh too "I sure am"  
"I don't think so John, I like my life in Llanview. I can have my career there. Our life is there"

I nod and think about the question I want to ask.

She places her hand on my knee. "I can have it all with you John. You do know that don't you?"

"Of course I do Van. Which is why I wanted to come here, I have something I want to discuss with you" I says clasping the ring box in my hand.  
"Okay" she says turning on the bench to face me.  
"Well, you know we've been through a lot and overcame a lot. I think that we've proven that our love is the final stop for us both. I think we need to take a step toward our future."

She arch's an eyebrow and looks at me curious. I pull out the ring box and get on my knee in front of her. I see her eyes widen with shock and her mouth drop open. I can't tell if the surprise on her face is good or bad but I won't be deterred. I want her to be my wife.

"I love you Evangeline Marie Williamson. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want the world to know of my devotion for you." Opening the ring case I show her the platinum 1ct solitaire square cut diamond. "Evangeline would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"

Her eyes well with tears and I watch her face darken with doubt and fear then I see it brighten with love and passion. "John, I want to share my life with you two. I can't believe you are proposing" she says grinning taking the ring case from my hand. She looks down at me and touches my face. "I want to be your wife. I love you McBain."

Smiling I reach for her and hug her. I know that it will require work and compromise on both are parts to make our love last. But that's the wonderful thing about what we share. The conflict and triumphs are always tempered with love. If we hold on to that there's nothing we can't overcome.


End file.
